The Year Hoobynoob Unaccountably Contrived to Come on Freday the 13th of Octember

Through some celestial mishap or accounting error, for some reason, Hoobynoob falls on Freday the 13th of Octember, in this, the 47th year of the Subsidence. Normally, of course, Hoobynoob falls on the 30th, the last day of Octember. The 13th of Octember doesn't normally even fall on a Freday -- it is typically a Munday.

This calendrical irregularity is known for certain: all the experts agree on this unusual occurrence -- the astrologers; the astronomers; the druids and rangers of Sequoia (who counts the months and weeks, the planets and stars, under her purview); the calendricians and calendrometers; we even asked the janitor, as they know of these things.

Amongst the populace, once the confusion is overcome -- or at least set aside -- the yearly observance of Hoobynoob proceeds as usual, albeit on the 13th. In Endeesy, capital of Gus: gourds are carved; nuts are harvested; costumes are prepared; candies and sweets are purchased or crafted in bulk in preparation for the traditional mass extortion, on threat of prankery, by children.

When the 13th of Octember arrives -- on a Freday, just as (unusually) ordained -- the morning sneaks into Endeesy foggily. The day slugs by: children growing increasingly excited, adults growing increasingly wary of danger, the weather growing increasingly foggy and moist-smelling.

When treat-or-tricking time arrives, it is nigh impossible to find one's way in the fog. But, through some divine Dalyan providence, unusually alert priests of Dalya, and widespread use of the Buddy System, no children are separated from their guardians for long.

The children return to their homes, feast on junk food, and repair engorgedly to their beds. After the foggy day and foggier evening, it looks like it has been another successful Hoobynoob, profitable for the children and fun for all ages! Parents go to bed. Bar crawlers begin the process of acquiring their holiday drunkenness.

Midnight approaches.

The clock tower in the Cathedral of Quasxthe in the Crown District of Endeesy ticks over from 11:59, and the mighty bell begins its twelvefold tolling: BO-o-...

The bell, having tolled half of once, trails off, as if it has forgotten how to bell.

Mournful moans are heard through the increasingly farty-smelling fog.

Zombies! Some of whom are fresh, some of whom are decaying and dirt-encrusted.

Following the trail of zombies leads the party north, to a graveyard in the Resentment Ward. The zombies are discovered to be animated by worms squirming under their skin (a miniboss zombie acts as Spawn of Kyuss).

A 400-year-old mausoleum, dating to the early centuries of the Inundation, proves to be the resting place of the Mermaid Queen Riefya I Arielid "the Black".

A party member recollects a fact about Riefya "the Black": that she was found, after her death, to have secretly been a cultist of Asya, goddess of all that is disgusting.

The lock on the door, being 400 years old and having been underwater most of that time, has become more of a jam. But somebody has already broken the jam. But somebody subsequently cast an arcane lock on the door. But the rogue breaks the arcane lock.

Within the tomb, reality is distorted. The air is fetid and moist. The stairs down are greasy. The walls are fleshy and moist. It is not a throat, but it desperately wants to be a throat.

At the bottom of the stairs, the tomb of Riefya has expanded from a small room to a large acid-lake cavern, as if it wants to be a stomach.

A sarcophagus stands on a raised dais in the middle of the acid lake. A mage stands by the sarcophagus, incanting a ritual.

He is Vyndoc Hogkt, a descendant of the Hogkt family that ruled the Asya-worshipping Plaguelord nation while it existed in the first century before the Inundation. (He is a Mage, with spells swapped out for poison- and acid-related spells.)

His ritual concludes, and an oozely incarnation of Asya possessing the corpse of Queen Riefya joins combat. (She uses the stat of a Black Pudding, except she can throw acid gobbets -- her Pseudopod has a 60' range.)

If the party kills Riefya!Asya first, Vyndoc sacrifices himself to regenerate and empower her. If the party kills Vyndoc first, Riefya!Asya eats his corpse and is regenerated and empowered. Either way, it is a two-stage boss fight. (The amalgamation boss has a combination of the abilities of its components, and then some.)

The party defeats Vyndoc, Riefya, and Asya, and prevents Bad Things from happening.

Time progresses from midnight once they emerge from the tomb.

Hoobynoob did not come on Freday the 13th because of Vyndoc (that's an unsolved mystery), but since it did, and both 13 and Hoobynoob are sacred to Asya, he took it as auspicious to enact his plan.

Dual Types

I have heard tell that, early in the development of 5e, the notion of creatures/races with two Types was thrown around, and eventually ruled against. I don't know how it was meant to work at the time, but it does fill a much-needed gap.

Early on in published 5e, PCs could only be Humanoid. The Eberron book made Warforged simply Humanoid, rather than the old 3.5e jerry-rig of Construct(living construct) that made them technically Constructs but also work for PC purposes (mostly resurrection).

Then, later on, they abandoned that principle and started publishing races that are other Types, such as the Fairy in Wild Beyond the Witchlight. They had realized it's not super important for PCs to be Humanoid -- although there are still no properly Undead options (the three Lineages in Van Richten's Guide to Ravenloft are Humanoid, but with various Undead-esque properties). I hear tell there is or will be an actual Construct option (the Autognome?).

My solution to there being no Undead PC options, Warforged being nonsensically Humanoid, and so on: bring back dual Types!

• Some races -- including warforged (humanoid/construct), tiefling (humanoid/fiend), aasimar (humanoid/celestial), dragonborn (humanoid/dragon), kobold (humanoid/dragon), and alithi elves (humanoid/plant) -- have dual creature type.
• If any favorable effect would affect either or both of your types, it affects you.
• If any unfavorable effect would affect one of your types but not the other, you can be affected by it but you have advantage on saves against it.
• If any effect would affect neither of your types, you are immune to it.
• If any effect would affect both of your types, you do not gain immunity or resistance to it from your types.

The one peculiarity here is: what happens if you have an effect that has a positive effect on one of your Types and a negative effect on your other Type? I'm not sure if there are any actual effects that heal a living thing but do radiant damage to Undead, but a character with both the Humanoid and Undead Types would have to deal with it if it does. My instinct is that you are affected by both -- you are, in that example, healed and take radiant damage (albeit with advantage on any saves against it). But this is a rare enough circumstance that I'd leave it up to individual DM adjudication.

3.5e Outsider Monster Classes

Ghaele Eladrin Racial Traits

As in Monster Manual I/the SRD, or:

• Racial Traits:
  • Starting Ability Score Adjustments: None.
  • Speed: Ghaele land speed is 50 feet.
  • Subtypes: A ghaele has the Chaotic and Good subtypes.
  • Low-Light Vision: Ghaeles can see twice as far as a human in starlight, moonlight, torchlight, and similar conditions of poor illumination. They retain the ability to distinguish color and detail under these conditions.
  • Saves: +4 racial bonus on saving throws against poison.
  • Favored Class: Whatever class you take for your first base class level.

• Outsider Traits:
  • Darkvision: Ghaeles can see in the dark up to 60 feet.
  • Unlike most other living creatures, an outsider does not have a dual nature—its soul and body form one unit. When an outsider is slain, no soul is set loose. Spells that restore souls to their bodies, such as raise dead, reincarnate, and resurrection, don’t work on an outsider. It takes a different magical effect, such as limited wish, wish, miracle, or true resurrection to restore it to life. An outsider with the native subtype can be raised, reincarnated, or resurrected just as other living creatures can be.
  • Outsiders breathe, but do not need to eat or sleep (although they can do so if they wish).

• Automatic languages: Celestial, Infernal, and Draconic. Bonus languages: Any.

• Class Skills: The ghaele's class skills (and the key ability for each skill) are Concentration (Con), Craft (Int), Escape Artist (Dex), Hide (Dex), Knowledge (any three, chosen at 1st level)(Int), Listen (Wis), Move Silently (Dex), Profession (Wis), Sense Motive (Wis), and Spot (Wis).

Level	HD	BAB	Fort	Ref	Will	Skill Points	Special
1st	1d8	+1	+2	+2	+2	(8 + Int mod) x 4	Feat, lesser ghaele powers 1/day
2nd	2d8	+2	+3	+3	+3	8 + Int mod	+2 Dex, spells, natural armor
3rd	3d8	+3	+3	+3	+3	8 + Int mod	Feat, +2 Int, spell resistance (8+level)
4th	4d8	+4	+4	+4	+4	8 + Int mod	+2 Str, Tongues
5th	5d8	+5	+4	+4	+4	8 + Int mod	+2 Wis, Lesser ghaele powers 3/day, resistance (fire 5, cold 5, electricity 5)
6th	5d8	+5	+4	+4	+4	--	+2 Cha, Ghaele powers 1/day, protective aura (magic circle against evil)
7th	6d8	+6/+1	+5	+5	+5	8 + Int mod	Feat, +2 Str, Alternate form, light rays 2d6, gaze (5 ft., 1 HD)
8th	7d8	+7/+2	+5	+5	+5	8 + Int mod	+2 Int, Lesser ghaele powers at will, Ghaele powers 1/day or 3/day, immunities (electricity, petrification)
9th	7d8	+7/+2	+5	+5	+5	--	+2 Wis, DR 5/evil or cold iron, protective aura (minor globe of invulnerability), gaze (15 ft., 3 HD)
10th	8d8	+8/+3	+6	+6	+6	8 + Int mod	+2 Str, +2 Int, Light rays 2d8, Ghaele powers 1/day or at will
11th	8d8	+8/+3	+6	+6	+6	--	+2 Str, +2 Cha, Resistances (fire 10, cold 10), gaze (30 ft., 5 HD), Greater ghaele powers 1/day
12th	9d8	+9/+4	+6	+6	+6	8 + Int mod	Feat, +2 Str, +2 Wis, Light rays 2d12, gaze (60 ft., 5 HD)
13th	9d8	+9/+4	+6	+6	+6	--	+2 Con, greater ghaele powers 1/day or 3/day
14th	10d8	+10/+5	+7	+7	+7	8 + Int mod	+2 Str, +2 Cha, DR 10/evil and cold iron
15th	10d8	+10/+5	+7	+7	+7	--	+2 Str, +2 Con, greater ghaele powers 1/day or at will, spell resistance (13+level), SLA caster level +2

• Proficiencies: Ghaeles are proficient with all simple and martial weapons, but not with armor or shields.
• Feats: All characters gain a feat at first level and every three hit dice thereafter. A ghaele with no class levels will gain these feats at 1st, 3rd, 7th, and 12th levels.
• Lesser Ghaele Powers (Sp): A ghaele can use the following spell-like abilities once per day each: aid, alter self, color spray, comprehend languages, continual flame, cure light wounds, dancing lights, detect evil, detect thoughts, and see invisibility. At fifth level he can use them three times per day, and at eighth level he can use them at will. The ghaele's caster level for these SLAs is equal to his Racial Hit Dice (i.e., HD from ghaele levels), plus an additional increase of +2 at 15th level. Save DC 10 + spell level + Cha modifier.
• Spells: Beginning at 2nd level, a ghaele in humanoid form casts spells as a cleric of his ghaele level minus 1 (so cleric casting is progressed at every level other than 1st). A ghaele has access to any two of the following domains: Air, Animal, Chaos, Good, or Plant (plus any others from its deity).
• Natural Armor (Ex): Beginning at second level, a ghaele has natural armor equal to his ghaele level minus one.
• Spell Resistance (Ex): At third level, a ghaele gains spell resistance equal to ghaele levels plus 8. At fifteenth level, this increases by 5, to ghaele levels plus 13.
• Tongues (Su): Beginning at fourth level, a ghaele can speak with any creature that has a language. The ghaele's caster level for this effect is his ghaele level minus one. This ability is always active.
• Resistance (Ex): At fifth level, a ghaele gains resistance 5 to cold, fire, and electricity. At eighth level, he gains immunity to electricity and petrification. At eleventh level, his resistances to cold and fire increase to 10.
• Ghaele Powers (Sp): Beginning at sixth level, a ghaele can use the following spell-like abilities once per day: chain lightning, charm monster, dispel magic, hold monster, improved invisibility (self only), major image, and wall of force. At eighth level he can use any of these except chain lightning and wall of force three times per day, and at tenth level he can use any of them except chain lightning and wall of force at will. The ghaele's caster level for these SLAs is equal to his Racial Hit Dice (i.e., HD from ghaele levels), plus an additional increase of +2 at 15th level. Save DC 10 + spell level + Cha modifier.
• Protective Aura (Su): Starting at 6th level, as a free action a ghaele can surround himself with a nimbus of light having a radius of 20 feet. This light acts as a magic circle against evil (but providing +4 bonuses instead of +2 bonuses). At ninth level, the protective aura also functions as a lesser globe of invulnerability. The ghaele's caster level for these effects is his Racial Hit Dice (i.e., HD from ghaele levels). The aura can be dispelled, but the ghaele can create it again as a free action on his next turn.
• Alternate Form (Su): Upon reaching 7th level, as a standard action a ghaele can assume the form of an incorporeal globe of color 5 feet in diameter. In humanoid form, he cannot fly or use his light rays, but he can use his gaze attack and spell-like abilities, make physical attacks, and cast spells. In globe form, he can fly (at a speed of 150 feet with perfect maneuverability), use his light rays, and use spell-like abilities, but he cannot cast spells or use his gaze attack. The globe form is incorporeal, and the ghaele has no Strength score while in that form. The ghaele remains in one form until it chooses to assume a new one. A change in form cannot be dispelled, nor does the ghaele revert to any particular form when killed. A true seeing spell or ability used to view a ghaele with this ability, however, reveals both forms simultaneously.
• Light Ray (Ex): A ghaele in globe form can project two light rays per round with a range of 300 feet, dealing 2d6 damage at seventh level, 2d8 damage at tenth level, or 2d12 damage at twelfth level.
• Gaze (Su): At seventh level, a ghaele gains a gaze attack in his humanoid form that can kill or cause fear. The range of the attack and the maximum HD of creatures it can affect increases as the ghaele attains higher levels. Evil creatures of the indicated HD or less must succeed on a Will save (DC 10 + 1/2 ghaele's RHD + ghaele's Cha modifier) or die instantly. Those that succeed are affected as though by a fear spell for 2d10 rounds. Nonevil creatures of the indicated HD or less and evil creatures with more than the indicated HD must succeed on a Will save or suffer the fear effect.
• Damage Reduction (Ex): Beginning at 9th level, a ghaele gains DR 5/evil or cold iron. At fourteenth level, this improves to DR 10/evil and cold iron.
• Greater Ghaele Powers (Sp): Beginning at eleventh level, a ghaele can use prismatic spray and greater teleport (self plus 50 pounds of objects only) once per day each. At thirteenth level, he can use greater teleport three times per day, and at fifteenth level he can use greater teleport at will. The ghaele's caster level for these SLAs is equal to his Racial Hit Dice (i.e., HD from ghaele levels), plus an additional increase of +2 at 15th level. Save DC 10 + spell level + Cha modifier.

Succubus Racial Traits

As in Monster Manual I/the SRD, or:

• Racial Traits:
  • Starting Ability Score Adjustments: +2 Dex, +6 Cha
  • Speed: Succubus land speed is 30 feet.
  • A succubus has the Chaotic and Evil subtypes.
  • Poison Immunity: Succubi are native to a plane where poison is omnipresent.
  • Skills: +8 racial bonus on Listen and Spot checks
  • Favored Class: Whatever class you take for your first base class level.

• Outsider Traits:
  • Darkvision: Succubi can see in the dark up to 60 feet.
  • Unlike most other living creatures, an outsider does not have a dual nature—its soul and body form one unit. When an outsider is slain, no soul is set loose. Spells that restore souls to their bodies, such as raise dead, reincarnate, and resurrection, don’t work on an outsider. It takes a different magical effect, such as limited wish, wish, miracle, or true resurrection to restore it to life. An outsider with the native subtype can be raised, reincarnated, or resurrected just as other living creatures can be.
  • Outsiders breathe, but do not need to eat or sleep (although they can do so if they wish). Succubi gain satisfaction from using their Energy Drain ability, but not true sustenance.

• Automatic languages: Abyssal, Celestial, and Draconic. Bonus languages: Any.

• Class Skills: The succubus's class skills (and the key ability for each skill) are Bluff (Cha), Concentration (Con), Craft (Int), Disguise (Cha), Escape Artist (Dex), Hide (Dex), Knowledge (any 1, chosen at 1st level)(Int), Listen (Wis), Move Silently (Dex), Profession (Wis), Ride (Dex), Search (Int), and Spot (Wis).

Level	HD	BAB	Fort	Ref	Will	Skill Points	Special
1st	1d8	+1	+2	+2	+2	(8 + Int mod) x 4	Feat, 2 claws 1d3, change shape (1), natural armor, resistances (acid 5, cold 5, electricity 5, fire 5), tongues, spell resistance (6+RHD)
2nd	2d8	+2	+3	+3	+3	8 + Int mod	+2 Int, lesser succubus powers 1/day, telepathy 100 ft
3rd	2d8	+2	+3	+3	+3	--	+2 Cha, fly 50 ft. (average), change shape (3)
4th	3d8	+3	+3	+3	+3	8 + Int mod	Feat, +2 Con, +2 Int, lesser succubus powers 3/day
5th	4d8	+4	+4	+4	+4	8 + Int mod	+2 Cha, energy drain 1/day, change shape (any humanoid)
6th	5d8	+5	+4	+4	+4	8 + Int mod	+2 Wis, +2 Int, lesser succubus powers at will, resistances (acid 10, cold 10, electricity 10, fire 10)
7th	5d8	+5	+4	+4	+4	--	+2 Wis, +2 Cha, succubus powers 1/day, spell resistance (12+RHD)
8th	6d8	+6/+1	+5	+5	+5	8 + Int mod	Feat, +2 Cha succubus powers 3/day, electricity immunity
9th	6d8	+6/+1	+5	+5	+5	--	+2 Str, +2 Cha, energy drain at will, succubus powers at will, DR 10/cold iron or good, summon vrock (30%)

• Proficiencies: Succubi are proficient with all simple and martial weapons but not with armor or shields.
• Feats: All characters gain a feat at first level and every three hit dice thereafter. A succubus with no class levels will gain these feats at 1st, 4th, and 8th levels.
• Claws: A succubus has two claw attacks that are natural weapons dealing the indicated damage plus Strength bonus.
• Tongues (Su): A succubus can speak with any creature that has a language. The succubus's caster level for this effect is her Racial Hit Dice (i.e., Hit Dice from succubus levels) x 2. This ability is always active unless the succubus chooses to disable it as a free action. The effect can be dispelled, but the succubus can create it again on her next turn as a free action.
• Spell Resistance (Ex): A succubus has spell resistance equal to 6 + her Racial Hit Dice (i.e., Hit Dice from succubus levels). At 7th level, this increases to 12 + Racial Hit Dice.
• Change Shape (Su): At first level, a succubus chooses one Small or Medium humanoid form, and can use the Change Shape ability to assume this form at will. At third level, the succubus chooses two additional forms, and can change between these forms at will. At fifth level, the succubus can assume the form of any Small or Medium humanoid at will.
• Resistances (Ex): At first level, a succubus has resistance 5 to acid, cold, electricity, and fire. At sixth level, this resistance increases to 10.
• Natural Armor (Ex): A succubus has natural armor equal to her succubus level.
• Telepathy (Su): At second level, a succubus gains telepathy. She may communicate telepathically with any creature within 100 feet that has a language.
• Lesser Succubus Powers (Sp): At second level, a succubus can use the following spell-like abilities once per day each: detect good, detect thoughts, and suggestion. At fourth level she can use them three times per day, and at sixth level and higher she can use them at will. A succubus's caster level for all spell-like abilities is equal to her succubus level.
• Flight (Ex): At third level, a succubus gains a fly speed of 50 with average maneuverability.
• Energy Drain (Su): A succubus drains energy from a mortal it lures into some act of passion, or by simply planting a kiss on the victim. If the target is not willing to be kissed, the succubus must start a grapple, which provokes an attack of opportunity. The succubus’s kiss or embrace bestows one negative level. The kiss also has the effect of a suggestion spell, asking the victim to accept another kiss from the succubus. The Will DC to negate the effect of the suggestion and the Fortitude DC to remove the negative level is 10 + 1/2 the succubus's RHD (i.e. HD from succubus levels) + the succubus's Charisma modifier. The succubus can use this ability once per day at fifth level, at will at ninth level.
• Succubus Powers (Sp): Beginning at seventh level, a succubus can use charm monster, ethereal jaunt (self plus 50 pounds of objects only), and greater teleport (self plus 50 pounds of objects only) once per day each. At eighth level, she can use these abilities three times per day, and at ninth level, she can use them at will. A succubus's caster level for all spell-like abilities is equal to her succubus level.
• Electricity Immunity (Ex): At eighth level, a succubus is immune to electricity.
• Damage Reduction (Ex): At ninth level, a succubus gains DR 10/cold iron or good.
• Summon Vrock (Su): At ninth level, once per day a succubus can attempt to summon 1 vrock with a 30% chance of success. This ability is the equivalent of a 3rd-level spell.

Arossiel and Lily

In the long ago, in time that was, before the quarrels of today’s centuries: there was a human woman. Her hair was black and short and her skin was pale as teeth, and the name that she was called by her friends, and that we shall call her today, was Lily – the overseers had a different name for her, or more precisely an alphanumeric code, the specifics of which are of little importance and have been lost to us.

The Archbishop of Banor at the time had been raised to her position through promising a tremendous plan to defeat Calabia. Seven times Banor had tried to conquer Calabia, seven times the bloodlords’ military superiority and judicious political alliances had rebuffed the holy wars. Eight is not an auspicious number to the Numielites of Banor, but the Archbishop made grand promises, much grander than the portents allowed for. Her plan was thus: she prayed to Numiel to send angels to free all the food from the stockpens, so that the food might rise in revolt and Banor might sweep in as conquering heroes.

So it was that, as Lily was getting ready for sleep in the stockpen, the celestial angel Arossiel came to her, a frightful whirlwind of wings and eyes, intoning in a terrible and awful voice, “FEAR NOT”.

Utterly disregarding Arossiel’s perfectly clear instruction, Lily gave a terrified squeak and dropped her hairbrush.

The angel did his best to tone down his terrifying affect somewhat, apologizing and begging Lily’s forgiveness. He was between Lily and the door, and there were no windows in the stockpens that one might dive out of, so she could not flee; she could only cower in terror.

Arossiel sensed that his holy mission to free the food and raise them up in revolt was already going poorly, barely having started at all. He shrunk down further, modulated his voice and his apologies, trying to calm Lily.

Eventually, Lily grew less terrified and more curious, just while Arossiel grew more distraught and panicked about how far behind he was already running on his mission. The armies of Banor were thundering towards Calabia, and he hadn’t even freed a single food.

In a few hours, Lily calmed Arossiel with soothing words and gentle touch; in that same time, the angel fell in love with the human, and grew distracted from his mission. If one food needed this much attention before she might act, how much time would myriads of them take? Arossiel decided it could not be done, and stayed with Lily instead. It took some days before Lily returned Arossiel’s feelings, but in time she did.

Battle was soon joined in the fields of Calabia, and the Archbishop’s armies soon lay derelict and ruined. The fate of the eighth Banor invasion of Calabia was decided before it began.

Arossiel the angel fled Calabia with Lily, fled from his duties and from Numiel’s service, fell from grace and lost his wings, and the two wandered the world for at least some decades before falling from the pages of history.

Rust Monster Ecology

So it's a long-known problem that rust monsters, which eat metal, are difficult to justify in an ecosystem containing, say, locks, iron doors, and so on.

Lore Sjöberg: Speaks With Monsters

Possible partial solution: rust monsters don't actually eat rusted metal; that's an assumption that in-character scholars make which is not entirely accurate. Instead, the rust monster's antennae deliver a catalyst that induces rapid oxidization (i.e., rusting), and the rust monster actually feeds on the energy released by this oxidization reaction. (Mumbo-jumbo about the catalyst is magical and that's why it can rust kinds of metals that normally don't rust.)

So if a door or a lock is already rusted all to heck, it's no good for the rust monster to feed on, unlike, say, combat-ready weapons and armor. (Allowing for metal objects in the dungeon to exist at a very specific level of rusted, not fresh enough for the rust monster to eat but not rusted enough to be inoperable.)

This in turn suggests the possibility of a related, perhaps more powerful species of monster, one that induces oxidization not in iron, but in carbon-based (i.e., flammable) materials. Which is to say, it sets you on fire and eats the resulting heat.

Ettin Genders

Have you ever encountered or used an ettin that was anything other than two male heads and an implicit penis (or two)? I don't think I have (I don't think I've ever actually encountered or used an ettin at all, though I once used an ubue, which is a giant with three heads, three arms, and three legs -- this one was basically the Three Stooges sharing a body).

But never let it be said that I passed up an opportunity to slip some genderfuckery into my setting, as I have decided that in this setting, ettins (of which there are probably rather fewer than a hundred in the world, so this may never actually come up) can have differing genders between the two heads, either of which can be the same or different from their genitalia (of which they have one set per ettin, Lore Sjöberg notwithstanding). Which of course leads to eight different possible combinations (though if you count "male right head, female left head" as the same as "female right head, male left head", then it's only six).

• male left head, male right head, donger
• male left head, male right head, verguba
• male left head, female right head, donger
• male left head, female right head, verguba
• female left head, male right head, donger
• female left head, male right head, verguba
• female left head, female right head, donger
• female left head, female right head, verguba

Naturally, any given ettin is willing to bang whatever (even more than the usual "90% of NPCs in Gus are bi"), because trying to navigate the murky waters of only being attracted to some set of specific combinations would be far too difficult for the feeble ettin brain to handle and would probably result in the extinction of the ettin race.

But I suppose we must now think of mammaries, as ettins seem to be mammals. Simplest solution: no ettins have enlarged mammaries like humans do (leading to the assumption among adventurers that all ettins encountered are male), but all ettins are capable of giving milk (or else the half of ettins with female genitalia can give milk). Less simple solution: each ettin either has or does not have breasts, regardless of other characteristics, doubling the number of combinations. Least simple solution: each ettin has zero, one, or two enlarged breasts, quadrupling the number of combinations. I think I'm going to go with the simplest solution.

Non-Human Animals in D&D 3.5e

This post is aimed primarily at a lay audience, and therefore I'll be defining a lot of terms that many of my readers will already be familiar with and take for granted.

In this post, I will default to the style of capitalizing in-game terms with defined meanings. This is most relevant example is the difference between animals (the normal scientific real-world definition of "members of the animal kingdom") and Animals (the D&D 3.5e definition of "members of the Animal Type").

--- Introduction

In Dungeons and Dragons, one rarely encounters actual living animals, except when a local cat elects to leap up on the table to play with the dice and miniatures. However, the game's treatment of fictional animals reflects our thoughts about real animals, and is thus worth contemplating.

--- Animals and Types

In D&D 3.5, all nouns are either Creatures, Objects, or Conditions. (There's some debate as to which category some things fall into and whether a thing can be both -- for example, it's not entirely clear whether a corpse is an Object or simply a Creature with the Dead condition. While it is clear that Intelligent Items are Creatures, it's not clear whether or not they are also Objects.) Note that the Creature/Object dichotomy is not the same as the Living/Nonliving dichotomy -- there are nonliving Creatures (such as zombies and golems), and there are living Objects (such as trees and bushes). A Creature is defined as anything with a Wisdom and Charisma score. A Condition is something that affects a Creature or Object, such as Paralysis or Disease.

Of the fifteen Types in D&D (Aberration, Animal, Construct, Dragon, Elemental, Fey, Giant, Humanoid, Magical Beast, Monstrous Humanoid, Ooze, Outsider, Plant, Undead, and Vermin), all real-world animals, past and present, are distributed between three: Animal, Humanoid, and Vermin.

The only real-world animals with the Humanoid Type are humans and neanderthals (Neanderthals are treated as somewhat of an afterthought in the D&D canon, mentioned only in one of many supplements, so I will mostly treat them as an afterthought as well). Other Humanoids include elves, orcs, dwarves (which are distinct from dwarfs), gnomes, halflings, and so on.

Vermin comprise, more or less, invertebrates. Most Vermin species are fictional, including such varieties as spiders, centipedes, and scorpions ranging from Tiny (the size of cats, just this side of realistic for some examples) to Colossal (the size of a smallish house). Vermin are often Mindless, which means they have no Intelligence score. More on that later.

The Animal type comprises, more or less, all real-world non-human animals, past or present. There are a few fictional species in the Animal type, mostly limited to the Dire Animal category (Dire Animals being creatures that are larger and stronger than their regular counterparts, but which still have the traits and features of Animals). From cats, dogs, and horses to apes, sharks, elephants, squids, and so on, the Animal type is what I will mostly be concentrating on today.

There are some animals that might not be considered Creatures at all. Tapeworms, for example, are not (to the best of my knowledge) given statistics or game effects anywhere in published materials, but if they were, I would lay at least even odds that it would be treated as a Disease (i.e., a Condition) and not a Creature.

The most salient trait of the Animal type is "Intelligence score of 1 or 2 (no Creature with an Intelligence score of 3 or higher can be an Animal)." (I could also run with "Alignment: Always Neutral", but that would make for a much more ethics-heavy post.)

--- Animals and Intelligence

In D&D 3.5, every creature has six Ability Scores: Strength, Dexterity, Constitution, Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma. The most morally salient of these scores is Intelligence (and, to a lesser extent, Wisdom), so this is what I will be concentrating on.

"Intelligence determines how well your character learns and reasons." It also determines how many languages you know (a Creature with an Intelligence of 2 or lower knows no languages; most Creatures with an Intelligence of 12 or higher knows more than one language.)

"Wisdom describes a character’s willpower, common sense, perception, and intuition. While Intelligence represents one’s ability to analyze information, Wisdom represents being in tune with and aware of one’s surroundings. [...] If you want your character to have acute senses, put a high score in Wisdom. Every creature has a Wisdom score."

Humans have ability scores ranging in a bell curve from 3 (abysmal) to 18 (just this side of superhuman), with the mode, median, and and mean being 10. The most common method for generating ability scores for normal humans is to roll 3d6 -- which is to say, roll three 6-sided dice and add the results together. This approximates the given range and average. (Exceptional humans -- such as most player characters -- use other methods. Non-humans use the above method and then add Racial Modifiers to some Abilities and subract Racial Modifiers from others. For example, an elf adds 2 to their Dexterity but subtracts 2 from their Constitution, so an elf would have 5-20 Dexterity but 1-16 Constitution.) (Intelligence, being a range with a bell curve, can be mapped to IQ, but doing so is beyond the scope of this post.)

A Creature can have a Nonability in some score, which is usually indicated by "--" or "Ø". A Creature that cannot move, for example, has a nonability in Dexterity and Strength. A Creature that is not alive (such as a zombie) has no Constitution. A Creature that cannot think and is as an automaton has an Intelligence nonability. (Note that this is distinct from having 0 in an Ability. A Creature never naturally has 0 in an Ability, but it can have its Abilities reduced to 0 through Ability Damage or Ability Drain -- in which case it is paralyzed, unconscious, or dead, depending on the Ability affected.)

Which brings me back to "Intelligence score of 1 or 2 (no Creature with an Intelligence score of 3 or higher can be an Animal)." If an Animal should gain Intelligence of 3 or higher by any means (usually magic), it ceases to be an Animal (the rules are unclear on what it becomes, but many players hold the interpretation that it becomes a Magical Beast). Similarly, Vermin are usually Mindless (they techniacally can have Intelligence scores, and can even have Intelligence in excess of 2, but all published Vermin have a nonability in Intelligence), meaning they are no better than automatons.

This means two things with which I intend to take issue: First, that the most intelligent Animal is considered less intelligent than the least intelligent human; second, that the wide range of animal intellects is confined to the range of --, 1, and 2, whereas the (perhaps relatively narrow) range of human intellects is given the broader numerical range of 3-18.

Dogs, octopuses, corvids, parrots, monkeys and apes, elephants, dolphins, and rats are all widely considered very intelligent, capable of tool use, complex communication, and problem solving -- quite probably more intelligent than many very young or severely handicapped humans. And yet these creatures are all considered to have the absurdly low Intelligence score of 2.

Bees are hardly automatons, being capable of complex "dance" to communicate the precise location of desirable food sources. Other eusocial insects, such as ants, termites, and some wasps, are similarly gifted in organization. Some spiders are capable of weaving complex webs in unlikely places, or of lying in ambush. A defense of the "Vermin are Mindless" school of thought might be to observe that these behaviors are instinctual, preprogrammed into these animals by evolution, and not learned -- which is probably fair, and I don't know that I have a strong position on the subject one way or the other.

The numerical range of --, 1, and 2 is much narrower than the numerical range of 3-18. The game's focus is, naturally, on playable characters, so it makes sense that the range of human experience would be given finer degrees of distinction than the range of animal experience, but I would argue that the difference between the least intelligent human and the most intelligent human is less great than the difference in intellect between, say, a leech and an elephant.

The Wisdom of published animals, on the other hand, ranges from 8 to 17 (with an average of just over 13), so the general consensus at Wizards of the Coast appears to be that the average Animal is wiser than the average Human (though the wisest human is slightly wiser than the wisest Animal). This undoubtedly has something to do with Wisdom's connection to the senses -- many animals certainly have a variety of keener senses than humans do. It likely also reflects the perception that animals are more "in tune" with nature than most humans are (Wisdom is the primary ability score for Druids and Rangers, the two classes designed around being in tune with nature).

--- Animals as Trade Goods and Carrying Capacity

Animals also appear in the section Wealth and Money, under Trade Goods. In the same chart as "one pound of wheat", "one square yard of linen" and "one pound of platinum" are entries such as "one chicken", "one pig", and "one ox". This serves to emphasize the use of animals as objects, rather than subjects.

Similarly, it is possible to buy a mule to carry your loot. With a carrying capacity of up to 690 pounds and a cost of only 8 gold pieces (less than a pound of saffron or a flask of acid), mules are among the best methods to carry stuff around (until you start picking up extradimensional storage space like Bags of Holding and Portable Holes). This reflects their use for this purpose in the real world, but barely acknowledges their status as living beings, much less their status as beings of moral concern.

--- Animal Companions, Special Mounts, and Familiars

Some Classes gain a companion animal as a class feature. Druids and Rangers gain Animal Companions, Paladins gain Special Mounts, and Sorcerers and Wizards gain Familiars. These all begin as regular Animals but gain features as the character with which they are associated levels up.

Animal Companions are drawn from a list of Animals including wolves, owls, badgers, snakes, and so on, and never gain intelligence, though they gain strength in other ways.

Special Mounts begin as warhorses or warponies, but they are treated as Magical Beasts instead of Animals.

Familiars begin as animals such as bats, cats, owls, ravens, and weasels, but they become Magical Beasts when they become Familiars, and they gain, in addition to other abilities, Intelligence. This means that, at very high level, the Wizard's or Sorcerer's Familiar might wind up being among the most intelligent creatures in the party. And yet, despite being the most intelligent creature in the party, the Familiar still tends to be sidelined in favor of the main player characters.

--- Handle Animal and Wild Empathy

There are two main ways of interacting with Animals.

Most characters use the Handle Animal skill, which deals primarily with training animals to do Tricks (such as "Attack", "Heel", or "Track") and "pushing" them to do Tricks they don't know.

Druids and Rangers, on the other hand, can use their Wild Empathy class feature, which allows them to improve the disposition of Animals towards them, for example to make a Hostile Animal Friendly. This functions in the same way as the Diplomacy skill works on creatures with an Intelligence of 3 or higher.

Giant Space Hamsters

So I was doing a bit of research into running a possible Spelljammer one-shot or campaign, and I came across this:

"[Giant Space] Hamsters are domesticated, used as both pets and livestock, and are also used to power gnome sidewheelers, an inefficient form of space ship that is powered by a series of gigantic hamster wheels."

"Characteristically, the tinker gnomes did not stop there, and continued to breed many forms of hamster, including the sabre-toothed giant space hamster, the carnivorous flying giant space hamster ("a regrettable if understandable line of inquiry"), the fire-breathing phase doppelganger giant space hamster, and the miniature giant space hamster (a dwarf variant, indistinguishable from ordinary hamsters)."

"The most infamous (and to gnomes, most feared) giant space hamster was 'Wooly Rupert,' the Tyrannohamstersaurus of Ill Omen."

This is among the most wonderfully preposterous things I have ever encountered, and I no longer understand why anybody would ever not play Spelljammer.

Why Peacock Has Cyclops's Eyes

In the olden days, cyclopes, favored by (and probably descended from) the Burning Hate, had half a hundred eyes each, all over their heads. Peacocks, favored by Sequoia, had only the regular two.

But once upon a time, there was a huge battle between priests loyal to the god Numiel, defending a town under their protection, against a huge band of marauding cyclopes.

Things looked grim for the defenders; the cyclopes came close to victory.

But then a flock of passing peacocks, who had a preëxisting grudge against the cyclopes (who were in the habit of raiding nests, not for food, but to smash the eggs out of pure malice), joined in, and turned the tide of battle.

The defenders defeated and drove off the cyclopes, and the town was saved.

As penalty for their wicked ways, Numiel struck all but one eye from each cyclops. As a reward for their assistance, he bestowed all the eyes upon the peacocks, instead.

This is why cyclopes only have one eye, why peacocks have many extra eyes on their tails, and why peacocks are among the creatures sacred to Numiel.

---

What prompted this revelation? Well, it all has to do with the Reaper Bones kickstarter. (I was one of the silly few who didn't spend the whole $100, because I knew I wouldn't have the patience or sticktoitiveness to paint all hundred gazillion minis. Instead, I spent somewhat less, for a much worse value. Oh well!)

In particular, it has to do with this guy. (No human being can paint that intricately. Their examples are obviously painted by unseelie creatures of fey.) I took one look at him, and decided he's a paladin. And, of course, in my world, paladin means Numiel. (Even though Sequoia, Urmaggr, and Dalya are also compatible with paladinhood.)

But what's that on the back? A peacock? ...obviously, since this is a paladin of Numiel, peacocks must be sacred to Numiel. Done. But why? And so a little story struck me. So here you go.

And the moral of the story is: no matter how little and silly and nonsensical an idea might seem, add it to your campaign setting as soon as it strikes you. Campaign settings often seem generic and boring and soulless, and seemingly incongruous little details like this are a good way to combat that tendency.

Mechanatrixes and Electricity

So, there's the mechanatrix race from Fiend Folio. They're kind of neat, because they're descended from robots constructs.

And also they're described as follows: "They behave with cold rationality and have a no-nonsense attitude toward life." Which is to say, they're wombats.

But the most noteworthy thing about them, from a mechanical perspective, is how electricity damage heals them. Every time a mechanatrix would take electricity damage, they take no damage, and it heals them instead, 1 point of healing for every 3 points of damage they would have taken.

So how do you get at-will electricity damage? Should be easier than at-will healing, right? Right! But, as it turns out, not much easier.

---

The obvious notion is to consult reserve feats, those feats from Complete Mage and Complete Champion that give you supernatural abilities as long as you have a spell of a certain level prepared. And, indeed, there is an electricity damage reserve feat: Storm Bolt (CM).

But wait! Storm Bolt gives you a 20-foot line of electricity. Can you include yourself in a line effect? Let's consult the SRD: "A line-shaped spell shoots away from you in a line in the direction you designate. It starts from any corner of your square and extends to the limit of its range or until it strikes a barrier that blocks line of effect."

So, by RAW, no, not really. It starts in any corner of your square, and shoots away from you. Our mechanatrix could get a mage buddy with Storm Bolt, but he couldn't Storm Bolt himself.

The same problem applies to if you're, say, a Dragonfire Adept or Dragon Shaman with lightning breath (plus you're generally explicitly immune to your own breath weapon).

---

Or, the allegation goes, you could use a persisted or or permanency'd thunderhead (SpC) spell. A little cloud that floats above your head all day, zapping you with tiny lightning bolts for one electricity damage every round, forever.

Except the mechanatrix isn't healed for 1 point every time they accumulate 3 points of electricity damage they would have taken. Every time they take electricity damage, it's divided by 3, they're healed for that much, and the remainder doesn't matter. 1/3 rounds down to 0 -- it's healing, not damage, so the "all attacks deal at least 1 damage" exception to the "always round down" rule doesn't apply. Thunderhead does nothing.

You could persist or permanency a weapon of energy spell, but then wind up with a bunch of your build or a butt-ton of gold invested in metamagic reducers or a single spell, which is hardly worth it for something so trivial as infinite out-of-combat heals.

---

You could shell out 8,301gp for a +1 Shock Whip. As long as you're wearing a bit of armor, you can whip yourself all day and only the electricity damage will go through. Expensive, weird, and a little kinky. ...I shall expend no more words on this notion.

---

You could take a level of electrokineticist. Kind of a lackluster class. It requires a powerpoint reserve but doesn't advance manifesting, so it's a trap for actual manifesters, and you should just use Wild Talent to qualify. But the class features aren't even great for a non-manifester.

Plus, most of the x-kineticist's class abilities specify things like "she takes no damage from a x lash she creates" or xs "engulf one of the pyrokineticist’s hands (but do her no harm)", so you'd have to work out whether an electrokineticist mechanatrix can deliberately target themselves for the full effect of their powers.

An entire class level, just for this ability? There's gotta be something better.

---

Well, there's something that, by RAW, does work way better: consult Magic of Incarnum, and take the Shape Soulmeld (lightning gauntlets) feat. Can't wear magic gloves, but 1d6 elec damage at will as a touch attack (and it is well known that it is possible to touch oneself).

But... incarnum is (subjectively) kind of lame. It's one of those things, along with Tome of Magic* and Tome of Battle: Book of the Nine Swords, that feels to me too slick and soulless and 4th-edition-y, and which only annoying optimizers ever tend to actually open. There's gotta be something more aesthetically pleasing. More... interesting.

*Binders can allegedly bind Focalor to achieve some form of at-will electricity damage, but honestly just typing this sentence has used up 100% of my ability to give a crap about ToM for the day, and I couldn't possibly find it in my heart to double-check whether this would actually even work.

---

So here's a more interesting idea: shocker lizard.

You could maybe get a domesticated one for money, but you could much more reliably get one by being a 5th level arcane spellcaster and taking Improved Familiar. (You may also consider trading away your regular familiar for an alternate class feature or the Forlorn flaw (Dragon #333), because the Obtain Familiar (CA) feat is better: it makes prestige classes progress your familiar.) Or you could be a ranger or druid and take Monstrous Animal Companion (Dragon #326).

Anyway, shocker lizard. Your eye might be drawn to its Stunning Shock ability, but alas! It won't work. "An electrical shock" sounds promising, but "this attack deals 2d8 points of nonlethal damage". There's no such thing as nonlethal electricity damage. Nonlethal is its own thing. A point of damage cannot be both nonlethal and electricity, it is either one or the other. The shocker lizard is quite clear: it's fluffed as electricity, but it's actually just nonlethal. (A particularly generous DM might rule that the shocker's nonlethal shock will cure any nonlethal damage the mechanatrix may have taken, but we oughtn't rely on the generosity of the DM.)

No, what we need is Lethal Shock, because that's actually electricity damage. But wait! You need two shocker lizards for that!

Are you seeing what I'm getting at yet?

What I'm getting at is this: Mechanatrixes have tamed shocker lizards, and use them in war and daily life. Mechanatrix society is ruled by a cadre of arcane casters, all with shocker lizard familiars. Mechanatrix adventuring and war parties always include at least two shocker lizards, usually more, with at least one usually being the familiar or animal companion of one of the party's casters.

Next time you use mechanatrixes as a DM, team them up with some shocker lizards. The lizards have been trained to use their lethal shock every round, and the mechanatrixes and lizards all stay within 20ft of one another. (Maybe bump the total ECR of the encounter up by one or so, because synergy.)

As for me, because I'm not currently DMing a game: next time I'm making new characters (at ECL6 or more) at the same time as somebody else (either because it's a new campaign, or because two characters died at the same time), I'm going to try to convince them to make a pair of wandering mechanatrix adventurers with shocker lizard familiars/companions. ("Hey, you feel like making a bard, beguiler, dread necromancer, druid, duskblade, hexblade, ranger, sorcerer, spellthief, wizard, warmage, or wu jen?")

EDIT: Alternately, you could just take Extra Familiar (Dragon #280), which negates the requirement that you have a buddy with the same plan, but which makes it a bit less interesting. On the other hand, every extra shocker lizard adds another 2d8 electricity damage each round (that's extra damage to anything not immune to electricity and an extra ≈3 points of healing for each mechanatrix), so you would certainly benefit from everybody involved having Extra Familiar (at most 6 lizards can contribute to any one lethal shock, but even if you have 7 lizards, you can just have one 5-lizard shock and one 2-lizard shock each round, paying only a slight save DC cost, because the save DC is also a function of the number of lizards involved. Or there's the option to just have more than 6 lizards contribute to a single shock: it would still only be 12d8 damage, but there's no cap on the save DC).