Maus Yi Yos!

"Maus yi yos!" was, of course, the traditional Driftmas greeting, in Ilya of old, before Archbishop Usla of Banor waged the War for Driftmas and commandeered the holiday for Numiel's glory, followed by the Inundation erasing all trace of Ilya from the world (...or did it? DUN DUN DUN).

Some Numielites have kept the words as a generic Driftmas greeting, though the common people have no idea what they might have once meant in the Ilyan language (like how a person might sing along to "Feliz Navidad" with at best the barest understanding that it's just Spanish for "happy Christmas", without any understanding that in Spanish they call the holiday "Navidad" which is cognate with "Nativity" (any -ty word tending to turn out to be -dad in Spanish -- eg, "gravity" is cognate with "gravedad", and also I have an idea what the next necromancer I wind up using calls himself), and "nativity" really just means "the process or circumstances of being born", though of course nobody anymore frequently refers to any nativities but Jesus's).

ANYHOW, "Maus Yi Yos" is of course just a generic placeholder name for a Driftmas session... or is it? DUN DUN DUN

On Driftmas Day, the 25th of Ices. The good ship Lollipop has arrived in port. Disembarking, five crew members (Roger, Patty "Doc", Helko "the Axe", Raine, and Rylen) are met by a courier.

"I've been looking for you. Got something I'm supposed to deliver - your hands only." Mumbling, "Let's see here... A letter... not sure who from. She wouldn't say. Just that she was a friend of yours. Looks like that's it. Got to go."

The letter turned out to be a magic scroll. They read the scroll, and it turned out to be a scroll of plane shift, which brought them to what turned out to be the Driftmas Demiplane, all snow and pleasant chill.

The party ended up outside  a cave. The cave is surrounded by inactive (variously permanently disabled, bugged out, and/or entirely dispelled) clay golems.

They saw a peryton flying high above, scared it off, and set off for the source of puffs of smoke on the horizon.

They found Driftmastown, where the Driftmas Fey (drunkenly distracted, as it is their day of celebration, all their work for the year has concluded and they have not yet begun next year's work of crafting toys) greet them with curiosity -- not often they have visitors. Donner, one of Saint Usla's sleigh-pulling perytons, was also there. A chat occurred.

The cave isn't anything any of Saint Usla's minions are allowed to talk about. It may, information wheedled from the Driftmas Fey, have to do with the folks that owned Driftmas before Usla conquered it away from the Ilyans.

Returning to the cave!

It turned out to be the dwelling of Dujha the yeti (?), one of the Argles Get, where she has dwelt since the War for Driftmas -- her 5 siblings, uncle, and grandmother (the previous Embodiments of Driftmas) were all slain by Usla in the War; Dujha managed to escape unnoticed.

As it transpires, Dujha has spent the last many centuries inventing, tinkering, and divining. She is not really a proper spellcaster, is why it took so long.

She got her hands on one or more Golem Manuals and cobbled together invention of a new spell (which she calls disable construct), of which she has one scroll.

She did many divinations, which eventually narrowed down the who, where, and when of recruitment to help with her task. (The specific time of year was always obvious: Saint Usla uses all her store of power on Driftmas Eve, leaving her depleted; the Driftmas Fey have the last 6 days of the year off, as vacation, before working the rest of the year -- an obvious time to do something Usla might not like. But which year, specifically, was harder to pin down.)

Dujha was cagey, but eventually, she revealed that she wanted to retake Temple Zamet, a temple that had been taken by Archbishop Usla in the War for Driftmas, the most sacred Driftmas-related temple on the continent of Kryia, which Usla's Banorite army had seized, put a fortress around, and guarded with various golems and constructs.

She wants to use disable construct to temporarily disable a golem, hack it, and use its help to retake the temple.

She has knowledge of a secret back tunnel into the temple/fortress, which could take them nearly straight to the boss golem: a platinum golem. (The other four golems are gold.) So the party decided to go in that way, not in the front, try to seize the platinum golem and use it on the gold ones.

So Dujha plane shifted them back to the Material Plane, to a ravine on continent Kryia near temple Zamet, and they went up a tunnel to the temple. There was a broken and defiled altar discarded amongst rubble on the way, but the party was in a hurry because there was a gold golem (embossed with the name Rincona) coming, and didn't notice the altar until later.

Into the main temple chamber, where there was a platinum golem embossed with the name Phensipicho, and a gold golem embossed with Sorgiga! Raine cast the disable construct spell successfully on Phensipicho, and Dujha headed over to pop its carapace with a hammer and start hacking! The rest of the party attacks Sorgiga.

Raine notices that the scroll, unlike a normal scroll, has not faded away into illegibility after use.

With the help of Phensipicho, the party took down Sorgiga! Just as Rincona arrived!

But the scroll was successfully was used, and now Rincona was on the party's side, too!

The scroll, ultimately, worked 6 times before fading (6 being a number sacred to Morozz).

(Speaking of sacred numbers: there was 1 platinum golem, 4 gold golems, 9 sunlight-lazer-blasty turrets on the walls, and 16 animated objects that mostly just do upkeep -- any perfect square number is sacred to Numiel. The upkeep constructs weren't doing so hot, after a few hundred years plus 600 underwater. There were shovels, dusters, one was a salt-scatterer construct, diligently trying to scatter salt, its salt store long since depleted.)

Anyway, the party took away the Numielite altar and accoutrements, restored the Morozzite altar. They ended up selling the Numielite iconography to churches of Numiel back north. "Doc" was allowed to peruse Dujha's book collection in detail. Dujha took up new residence in Temple Zamet, to maintain the golems and other constructs, trying to keep it under Morozzite control this time.

Maus Yi Yos!

Ettin Newcanon

Ettins, ubues, and other giants with extra heads or limbs, are all results of a semi-rare disorder in trolls, sometimes arising spontaneously, sometimes resulting from slashing blows that land in just the right place, where an extra head and/or one or more extra limbs are "re"generated. Such creatures generally lack the natural keen regenerative abilities of trolls, as their natural regeneration is too busy keeping them alive as these abominations to keep up with incoming damage as effectively.

On Fish-People

I have long complained that, of all the array of fish-people and seafolk available in D&D, they're all kind of samey. Let's see, we've got...

• Merfolk are people with a fish tail
• Tritons are people who live underwater and are just kind of slightly fishy -- in earlier editions, they were at least Outsider(native)s, which is something to latch on to. (Although it does make them kind of overlap with water genasi -- but without it, they instead overlap with, like sea elves.)
• Locathah are just kind of generically fishy, although in earlier editions they kind of looked like the Creature from the Black Lagoon
• Sahuagin are just kind of generically fishy, albeit with a telepathic connection to sharks
• Kuo-toa are just kind of generically fishy, albeit also slimy

So let's see what I did with that to make it a little less boring (and also options for player characters, because my setting is so heavy on seafolk)...

Merfolk

Species Traits

• Ability Score Increases: Your Dexterity score increases by 2, and your Charisma score increases by 1.
• Type: Your type is Humanoid.
• Size: Your size is Medium.
• Speed: You have a land speed of 10 feet and a swim speed and a swim speed of 40 feet. You begin play with a free Combat Wheelchair, which grants a land speed of 25 feet.)
• Amphibious: You can breathe both air and water.
• Versatility: You gain one free skill proficiency of your choice and one free tool proficiency of your choice.
• Languages: You can read, write, and speak Common and Aquan.

Triton

In previous editions, tritons were native outsiders. In mine, they're still immigrants from the Hellish Plane of Water. So...

Species Traits

As in Mordenkainen Presents: Monsters of the Multiverse, except:

• You have the Humanoid and Elemental types. If any favorable effect would affect either of your types, it affects you. If any unfavorable effect would affect one of your types but not the other, you can be affected by it but you have advantage on saves against it. If any effect would affect neither of your types, you are immune to it. If any effect would affect both of your types, you do not gain immunity or resistance to it from your types. 

Sahuagin

Notwithstanding recent efforts to make them, like, green and lizardy, Sahuagin can just be shark-people.

Species Traits

• Ability Score Increase: Your Strength score increases by 2, and your Wisdom score increases by 1.
• Type: Your type is Humanoid.
• Size: Sahuagin are larger than humans, ranging from 6 to 7 feet tall. Your size is Medium.
• Speed: You have a base land speed of 30 ft, and you have a swim speed equal to your land speed.
• Superior Darkvision: Within 120 feet, you can see in dim light as if it were bright light, and in darkness as if it were dim light. You can't discern color in darkness, only shades of gray.
• Limited Amphibiousness: You can breathe both air and water. However, you cannot receive the benefits of a Short or Long rest unless you are fully submerged in water for the entire duration of your rest.
• Frenzy: On your turn when you reduce a creature to 0 hit points, you can use a bonus action to move up to your speed and make an additional weapon attack against another creature you can target.
• Shark Telepathy: You can telepathically speak to any shark within 120 feet of you.
• Claws and Bite: Your claws and bite are natural weapons, which you can use to make unarmed strikes. If you hit with them, you deal slashing (claws) or piercing (bite) damage equal to 1d4 + your Strength modifier, instead of the bludgeoning damage normal for an unarmed strike.
• Languages: You know Common and Sahuagin.

Kuo-Toa

Kuo-toa shall be anglerfish, complete with anglerfish sexual dynamics: 

• Males are Tiny Beasts with 1 Intelligence (using the Quipper statblock).
• Females are Medium Humanoids (using the Kuo-Toa statblock, or the species traits here).

Biologically female Kuo-Toa have six genders (Up, Down, Charm, Strange, Top, and Bottom), which they borrowed from the sexual hexamorphism of the Aboleths they chill with. It's not well-understood by surface-dwellers how romantic combinations of these genders works.

Species Traits

• Ability Score Increase: Your Strength score increases by 2. Your Constitution score increases by 1.
• Type: Your type is Humanoid.
• Size: Your size is Medium.
• Speed: You have 30 foot land speed and swim speed equal to your land speed.
• Superior Darkvision: Within 120 feet, you can see in dim light as if it were bright light, and in darkness as if it were dim light. You can't discern color in darkness, only shades of gray.
• Amphibious: You can breathe air and water.
• Sunlight Sensitivity: You have disadvantage on attack rolls and Wisdom (Perception) checks that rely on sight when you, the target of the attack, or whatever you are trying to perceive is in direct sunlight.
• Otherworldly Perception: You can sense the presence of any creature within 30 feet of you that is invisible or on the Ethereal Plane. You can pinpoint such a creature that is moving.
• Slippery: You have advantage on ability checks and saving throws made to escape a grapple.
• Bite: Your bite is a natural weapon, which you can use to make unarmed strikes. If you hit with it, you deal piercing damage equal to 1d4 + your Strength modifier, instead of the bludgeoning damage normal for an unarmed strike.
• Languages: You know Common and Kuo-Toan.

Locathah 

I decided Locathah should be axolotl-folk.

The main deal with axolotls is that they are actually the tadpole form of a salamander which just never metamorphoses, just grows to an adult size instead. Thyroid hormone can be administered to induce metamorphosis into a salamander that hasn't been seen in the wild for millions of years. So, naturally, axolotl-folk can do that with magic.

Species Traits

As in Locathah Rising (Extra Life 2019), except:

• Replace the listed Limited Amphibiouisness trait with:
• Limited Amphibiousness. You can breathe both air and water. However, you cannot receive the benefits of a Short or Long rest unless you are fully submerged in water for the entire duration of your rest.

Feat: Metamorphosed

A Locathah shaman can cast the Ceremony spell on another Locathah to induce metamorphosis into a super-adult stage.

Prerequisites

• Locathah species.
• You must be under the effects of the Coming of Age Ceremony cast by a Locathah shaman at time of feat selection.

Effect

• You lose the effect of your Limited Amphibiousness trait, and are now fully amphibious -- you can breathe both air and water, and do not need to be submerged in water to gain the benefits of a Short or Long Rest.
• You have Resistance to Poison damage.
• Your skin turns a vivid color and begins to secrete a poisonous toxin. If you are hit by a Bite attack, the attacker takes 1d6 Poison damage. If you are subject to the Swallow Whole ability, the creature that swallows you takes xd6 poison damage on your turn every round you are swallowed, where x is equal to your Constitution modifier (minimum 1).
• You can harvest your own poison as per the rules in the Dungeon Master's Guide, except you do not need to be incapacitated or dead; you are not immune to your own poison, but you remain Resistant to its Poison damage. The harvested poison can be used as-is or refined:
• When used as-is, this is an Ingested poison that deals 2d6 Poison damage, Constitution save negates. A dose of this poison lasts for 24 hours before it becomes inert.
• Refining the poison follows the Crafting rules, but you have unlimited access to the ingredients. When refined, it becomes a dose of Pale Tincture poison, which lasts indefinitely until use.

The Year Hoobynoob Unaccountably Contrived to Come on Freday the 13th of Octember

Through some celestial mishap or accounting error, for some reason, Hoobynoob falls on Freday the 13th of Octember, in this, the 47th year of the Subsidence. Normally, of course, Hoobynoob falls on the 30th, the last day of Octember. The 13th of Octember doesn't normally even fall on a Freday -- it is typically a Munday.

This calendrical irregularity is known for certain: all the experts agree on this unusual occurrence -- the astrologers; the astronomers; the druids and rangers of Sequoia (who counts the months and weeks, the planets and stars, under her purview); the calendricians and calendrometers; we even asked the janitor, as they know of these things.

Amongst the populace, once the confusion is overcome -- or at least set aside -- the yearly observance of Hoobynoob proceeds as usual, albeit on the 13th. In Endeesy, capital of Gus: gourds are carved; nuts are harvested; costumes are prepared; candies and sweets are purchased or crafted in bulk in preparation for the traditional mass extortion, on threat of prankery, by children.

When the 13th of Octember arrives -- on a Freday, just as (unusually) ordained -- the morning sneaks into Endeesy foggily. The day slugs by: children growing increasingly excited, adults growing increasingly wary of danger, the weather growing increasingly foggy and moist-smelling.

When treat-or-tricking time arrives, it is nigh impossible to find one's way in the fog. But, through some divine Dalyan providence, unusually alert priests of Dalya, and widespread use of the Buddy System, no children are separated from their guardians for long.

The children return to their homes, feast on junk food, and repair engorgedly to their beds. After the foggy day and foggier evening, it looks like it has been another successful Hoobynoob, profitable for the children and fun for all ages! Parents go to bed. Bar crawlers begin the process of acquiring their holiday drunkenness.

Midnight approaches.

The clock tower in the Cathedral of Quasxthe in the Crown District of Endeesy ticks over from 11:59, and the mighty bell begins its twelvefold tolling: BO-o-...

The bell, having tolled half of once, trails off, as if it has forgotten how to bell.

Mournful moans are heard through the increasingly farty-smelling fog.

Zombies! Some of whom are fresh, some of whom are decaying and dirt-encrusted.

Following the trail of zombies leads the party north, to a graveyard in the Resentment Ward. The zombies are discovered to be animated by worms squirming under their skin (a miniboss zombie acts as Spawn of Kyuss).

A 400-year-old mausoleum, dating to the early centuries of the Inundation, proves to be the resting place of the Mermaid Queen Riefya I Arielid "the Black".

A party member recollects a fact about Riefya "the Black": that she was found, after her death, to have secretly been a cultist of Asya, goddess of all that is disgusting.

The lock on the door, being 400 years old and having been underwater most of that time, has become more of a jam. But somebody has already broken the jam. But somebody subsequently cast an arcane lock on the door. But the rogue breaks the arcane lock.

Within the tomb, reality is distorted. The air is fetid and moist. The stairs down are greasy. The walls are fleshy and moist. It is not a throat, but it desperately wants to be a throat.

At the bottom of the stairs, the tomb of Riefya has expanded from a small room to a large acid-lake cavern, as if it wants to be a stomach.

A sarcophagus stands on a raised dais in the middle of the acid lake. A mage stands by the sarcophagus, incanting a ritual.

He is Vyndoc Hogkt, a descendant of the Hogkt family that ruled the Asya-worshipping Plaguelord nation while it existed in the first century before the Inundation. (He is a Mage, with spells swapped out for poison- and acid-related spells.)

His ritual concludes, and an oozely incarnation of Asya possessing the corpse of Queen Riefya joins combat. (She uses the stat of a Black Pudding, except she can throw acid gobbets -- her Pseudopod has a 60' range.)

If the party kills Riefya!Asya first, Vyndoc sacrifices himself to regenerate and empower her. If the party kills Vyndoc first, Riefya!Asya eats his corpse and is regenerated and empowered. Either way, it is a two-stage boss fight. (The amalgamation boss has a combination of the abilities of its components, and then some.)

The party defeats Vyndoc, Riefya, and Asya, and prevents Bad Things from happening.

Time progresses from midnight once they emerge from the tomb.

Hoobynoob did not come on Freday the 13th because of Vyndoc (that's an unsolved mystery), but since it did, and both 13 and Hoobynoob are sacred to Asya, he took it as auspicious to enact his plan.

How the Bonelord Stole Driftmas

On the last day of the year, three Guildmasters of the Endeesy Adventurer's Guild -- Ruthmin Tern the Assassin Rogue, Christopher the Paladin, and Lyra the Stars Druid -- were chilling in the Guildmasters' Lounge when seven driftmas fey popped through a portal, begging for their assistance. It turned out that Saint Usla, in charge of Driftmas, had been kidnapped by fire creatures.

The Guildmasters tracked the scorch-trail from the Driftmas Demiplane, to the Transitory Holiday Demiplane, to the Hoobynoob Demiplane.

They found (and broke into) a laboratory guarded by salamanders, where Saint Usla had recently been, but she (and the Professor, one of Hoobynoob's people) had already been stolen by disgusting creatures.

In the laboratory greenhouse, they found a construct named Sam, who was very concerned that Jaq the Gourd Duke, in charge of Hoobynoob, had been acting very strangely, including with this peculiar plan for Saint Usla.

They went to Jaq's mansion, where they were hired by Jaq to recover the Professor. Jaq's theory was that Neepkag the Bogeyperson, who had been in charge of Hangadh-Buain-Noiche before the Burning Hate took it from Asya and put Jaq in charge as the Incandescent Bonelord of Heckbound Night (long before Dalya took over, renamed it to Hoobynoob, and made Jaq the Gourd Duke), wanted to carry out Jaq's own plan, but to their own benefit.

(Jaq's plan was to split his two personalities -- the Incandescent Bonelord following the Burning Hate, and the Gourd Duke following Dalya -- putting one into Saint Usla, so that each could be in charge of their own holiday. The Professor had all the details, it involved a plant that had been grafted with black dahlias and orange lilies, which through the laws of similarity could split the two personalities if ungrafted, and then graft the orange lilies onto a sunflower, representing Saint Usla's Numiel.)

The Guildmasters went to the Bogeyperson's cave, defeated them, rescued Usla, and were declared Nice and deserving of many presents by Usla. They returned the Professor to Jaq, who now owes them an unspecified favor.

Old Bounties

 Currently posted on the corkboard in the Adventurer's Guild, the glorified tavern near the heart of the wretched hive of scum and villainy that is Endeesy, there is a map and a number of notes (in order from oldest to newest):

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Map

PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS MAP, IT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY TO ALL OUR CUSTOMERS

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A Bride For The King

By order of His Royal Majesty Terek, Second of His Name, King of Gus, Vice-Admiral of the Dread Fleet, Ninth Count Rogan, and Emperor of the Mongrelfolk:

The king desires, to be brought before him for marriage, the most beautiful woman to be found in the all the reaches of the cosmos, whomsoever she may be. The reward to any man who brings such a woman to the King shall earn the eternal gratitude of the kingdom and ten thousand platinum coins, or some equivalent favour.

Addendum from the Dowager Queen: This woman must additionally be clever, competent, capable of defending herself in battle, and should preferably bring an alliance to some powerful nation. If these conditions are met, the queen will see to it that he who completes this task shall have his greatest desire fulfilled to the greatest extent of possibility.

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Coded Message

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Dragon Hunt

Sir Randolph of the Kingsguard offers the following standing bounties:

1,000 gold for the head or plate and horns of a brass dragon.

1,500 gold for the head or horns and frill of a silver dragon.

2,000 gold for the head or horns of a copper dragon.

2,500 gold for the head or crest of a bronze dragon.

7,500 gold for the head or barbels of a gold dragon.

Juvenile or younger dragons shall earn half the listed bounty, while old and older dragons shall earn twice the listed bounty. Additionally:

500 gold for the head of a metallic half-dragon of any race.

250 gold for the head of an individual of any race partially descended from a metallic dragon.

750 gold for the head of any Dragonborn of Numiel, who are always metallic.

Moreover:

2,500 gold for a live chromatic half-dragon individual of any race.

1,250 gold for a live individual of any race partially descended from a chromatic dragon.

ADDENDUM: By order of His Royal Majesty Terek, Second of His Name, King of Gus, Vice-Admiral of the Dread Fleet, Ninth Count Rogan, and Emperor of the Mongrelfolk:

The Dragonborn known as Scarecrow is to be left alone, and not targeted for this bounty.

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Engineer Headhunting

By order of His Royal Majesty Terek, Second of His Name, King of Gus, Vice-Admiral of the Dread Fleet, Ninth Count Rogan, and Emperor of the Mongrelfolk:

As befits a state of war between two nations, the king offers a standing bounty for the destruction, capture, or other removal from engineer hands, of any engineer-controlled submarine.

This shall earn a captain a letter of marque and official status as a privateer for the kingdom of Gus, with all the rights and responsibilities due thereto. Additionally, a reward of 1,500 platinum coins per submarine shall be granted. Additionally, engineers, sea- or war-forged, or githzerai, captured while working for or with the engineer nation against Gus, shall earn a bounty of 25 platinum coins per captive. The heads of engineers, sea- or war-forged, or githzerai, killed while working for or with the engineer nation against Gus, shall earn a bounty of 10 platinum coins per head.

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Oliphaunt Snax

 

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Demon Infestation

As many may already be aware, the countryside has been plagued by foul and fiendish beasts, issuing forth from the caves and mines of Mount Dis. As a protector of the Realm, I feel it my duty to investigate, but other duties keep me occupied between N.D.C. and the Omorashi border. As such, I issue the following bounties:

For concrete, verifiable information regarding the ultimate source of the infestation: 2,500 gold

For a detailed map leading from the surface to the ultimate source of the infestation: 5,000 gold

For the temporary or permanent stoppage of the infestation, by any means: 50,000 gold

Bounty posted by Sir Nakazawa of the Kingsguard

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Pumayyaton's Statue

Seeking the following effects, in any form – spell, scroll, wand, wish or limited wish, or miscellaneous:

Animate Object

Permanency

Stone to Flesh

Awaken Construct

See Pumayyaton the Sculptor. Rewards include a powerful elephant statuette, a taciturn yet loyal Dread Guard, a snarky yet effective sword, or elegant custom-crafted statuary.

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Justice For Prior Trakis

REWARD:

Information sought leading to the whereabouts of a band of evil adventurers who broke into the monastery on Perch Hill, terrorized the monks, and murdered Prior Trakis, a paladin of the faith. See Abbot Waxter at the Monastery with any information. Be on the lookout for a group consisting of:

an orc-descended man, in possession of a horse

an engineer man

an Omorashi human woman

an elf by the name of Aramil Silverleaf, with a scar over one eye

two additional human or elf men

Be warned: these individuals are armed and extremely dangerous. They may be in league with an evil erinyes devil – this creature is very powerful and should not be engaged without proper training.

They may also be in possession of copies of several volumes of the Evil Encyclopedia of Evil – if found, these books should not be read and may be returned to the Monastery for an additional reward of 250 gold pieces each.

Authorized by Numiel’s Archbishop of Shell, Jov Sauart

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The Evil Encyclopedia of Evil

Interested parties seek copies of any volumes from the Evil Encyclopedia of Evil. Bring these documents to the Cathedral of Quasxthe; ask for Viblet Kewne. The reward shall be 1,000 gold pieces per volume.

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Ruins in the Mines

The proprietors of the Tiv-Beckett Cold-Iron Mine no longer need the mines cleansed of centipedes, as they have been thoroughly dealt with. However, as a notice to the public, we have struck ancient ruins of an underground civilization in our digging. We offer no reward for exploring these ruins, but adventurous types may choose to investigate nonetheless.

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Join The Adventurer's Guild

Becoming a Member of the Adventurer’s Guild carries a flat fee of 25gp. Among other benefits, Members get a 50% discount on rooms, food, and drinks at the Guild, and may request rescue party insurance for each mission they undertake.

A member of the Adventurer’s Guild may become a Journeyman if he finds and returns one of the five Journeyman’s Keys, hidden somewhere in the caves and dungeons of Mount Dis. Among other benefits, Journeymen get free room and food at the Guild, and receive a 5% discount at participating adventurer supply stores.

A Journeyman may become a Guild Master upon completion of some special quest for the Guild Masters. Among other benefits, the discount at participating adventurer supply stores increases to 10% for a Master.

Members of all levels must pay dues of 5gp per month.

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Join The Mage's Guild

Levethixi, vorastrixi, vur lyrik xiekivi svaust klae wer suiaerl auneli, usv tikilvi sweekmonir ekess xkhat mishun: siofme voranir ekess wer hertan di hewi. Drekim vin kamati persvek wer hertan ui aaiovew aurix vur asildk aurix rinovup welun. Nezcaubolic re vi cuaili sva wer hertan, zadl ekess shio yorir ini hertan ankini, zadl ekess wer kivan korshim ihk tija kirmipri, vur zadl ekess kemir vur vdri cuailiri.

Translation for characters who can read Draconic: <Wizards, Sorcerers, and other Wielders of the arcane Arts, or any One seeking to become Such: consider joining the Mage’s Guild. Apprenticeship in the Guild is 50gp plus 10gp per Month. Benefits include a Room at the Guild, Access to all Lectures by Guild Teachers, Access to the vending Machine for material Components, and Access to Training and Meditation Rooms.>

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Mad Druidry

The Mad Druid Seye Ipivi demands components for a mad ritual of his own devising:

the spleen of a seven-horned sheep

seven leaves from seven treants

the acidic saliva of a green dragon

seven vials of anarchic water

seven ears from seven elves

a topaz, a sapphire, a ruby, a pearl, an opal, a diamond, and an aquamarine

The Mad Druid shall well reward bringers of these things, to the tune of 100 gold for each individual item!

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Rename the Endeesy Five

On a bounty board in an inn in Noodleton:

For Sale: Right to the Name of this Fab Five, formerly known as 'Endeesey Five'. You can purchase and we'll call our group in the name of your choice! Justine's Justice League? Noodleton Noodlers? You pay the money, you pick the name! Contact the Man in Red for more info.

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Slay Sewer Monsters

By Order of Sir Nelson of the Kingsguard:

To increase safety for the workers in the sewers, the Crown offers 1 platinum coin for every destroyed monster in the sewers under the Crown District.

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Ingredients for Sir Winden

Sir Winden of the Kingsguard will pay one thousand gold pieces for a live troll, which he seeks for medical experiments.

Additionally, he requires at least one vial of the blood of some petrifying creature -- a medusa, cockatrice, basilisk, or the like. For this he will pay five hundred gold pieces.

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Retrieve Wizard’s Familiar

A Mage of the Mage’s Guild, Dr. Paul Wal-Dover, has lost his beloved cat familiar, Papageno. He suspects he was kidnapped for the exotic menagerie of Wang Port in the Omorashi Empire. He can afford to pay with his half-expended Staff of the Woodlands if Papageno is returned to him.

While you’re at it, bringing Dr. Wal-Dover any interesting live magical beasts from the menagerie for study would be rewarded with gratitude, though he cannot afford to pay for this service.

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Vigilante Justice

By Order of Sheriff Clarissa Ten-Jones:

An individual known as the Violet Shadow has been gruesomely and extrajudicially killing criminals and stringing them up in public places. Pay no attention to the popular esteem for this vigilante; her executions are not the justice of the Crown, and a stop must be put to them.

REWARD

For information leading to the arrest of the Violet Shadow: 1,000gp

For the death of the Violet Shadow: 2,500gp

For bringing the Violet Shadow in alive for trial: 5,000gp

---

Protect an Eladrin from an Inevitable

I, Sir Joseph of the Kingsguard, have taken under my protection a tiny Coure Eladrin. This poor celestial creature, having inadvertently violated ancient pacts and natural laws in her fight against Evil, finds herself on the run from a Zelekhut Inevitable bent on enforcing the Law.

For the defeat of this Inevitable, or otherwise helping me to protect this Eladrin from it, I offer up to 5,000 gold.

---

Supplies for Repair

The crew of the Mango Mango, a [scribbled out] ship, currently parked in Worchestershire, seeks supplies to repair their [scribbled out]

We seek:

boots of levitation, winged boots, broom of flying, or carpet of flying, 7000gp

a fan feather token, 250gp

an anchor feather token, 40gp

salve of slipperiness, 900gp

sovereign glue, 2000gp

universal solvent, 40gp

some small chunks of elementum, (keyed to any element is fine) or dragonshards, 5000gp

---

Koprulu Invasion of Romus

News has filtered in from Romus that the Fylkir of Inglip, Latya Koprulu, having received mysterious instructions from her god, has gathered an army of gropagas (priests) and slaads (Outsiders from the Chaotic Plane of Air) and launched an invasion of eastern Romus.

Numiel's Archbishop of Shell and the local Abbot of the Monastery of Numiel at Perch Hill have sent out word that all true Numielites are encouraged to join the fight against the forces of chaos.

Contrariwise, the local gropagas of Inglip at the Inglip Temple and Arena Complex have sent out word that all followers of Inglip are encouraged to join the fight on the side of chaos.

---

Slay the Enormous Bententacled Monstrosity

Sir Nelson has been told that at the center of the top level of dwarven ruins under Mount Dis dwells trapped an enormous betentacled undead monstrosity of truly prodigious size. Though trapped, this creature remains a dangerous menace to all life. Destroy this creature and I am authorized to grant a reward of a single book or scroll of your choice from the Royal Library or a single article of your choice from the Royal Armory.

---

A Bride for Viscount Appleton

Mardero Haight, the Viscount Appleton desires the affections of a certain Kathleen, wench at the Hungry Owlbear tavern in Appleton, but she has thus far spurned him. If anyone were to coerce her to return the Viscount's affections, by any means necessary, he would reward them with a fully functioning and profitable apple orchard, complete with servants and workers, recently seized for non-payment of taxes.

If anyone brings up this bounty in the presence of anybody prone to gossip, one discovers that the Viscount Appleton is a man of fearsome reputation, his appearance and appetites described as each more terrible than the other. No telling what truth there is to these rumors.

---

Ask Your Cleric About Nerzohexoate

Do you feel sad sometimes? Do you suffer from angst? Does unbearable existential dread get you down? Are you plagued by a persistent feeling of doom or despair? Ask your cleric if Nerzohexoate is right for you!

(Side-effects of Nerzohexoate may include, but are not limited to: light sensitivity, erectile dysfunction, inflammation of the splanch, constipation, anal leakage, polydactylism, sneezing, eructation, projectile vomiting, hypochondria, thirst, sinus or ear infection, mild electrocution, albinism, dizziness, nymphomania, sensory overload, cardiac arrest, and death.)

---

Billiam & Billiam, Attys at Law

Hurt by adventurers? Adventurer-related medical bills piling up? Victim of theft or robbery by adventurers? Had your perfectly legal business or religious practices disrupted by adventurers?

Contact Billiam and Billiam, Attorneys at Law, Licensed Knave's Guild Affiliates!

---

Put Down Peasant Revolt

By order of His Royal Majesty Terek, Second of His Name, King of Gus, Vice-Admiral of the Dread Fleet, Ninth Count Rogan, and Emperor of the Mongrelfolk:

It has come to our attention that an insurrectionist known to the people as Milla Hillthorn has been rallying the peasants of the Northeast in revolt. When the guards of Reachham seek her, she is nowhere to be found, perhaps warned of her pursuers in advance.

REWARD

For information leading to the arrest of Milla Hillthorn: 1,500gp

For the death of Milla Hillthorn: 3,000gp

For bringing Milla Hillthorn in alive for public punishment: 6,000gp

Arossiel and Lily

In the long ago, in time that was, before the quarrels of today’s centuries: there was a human woman. Her hair was black and short and her skin was pale as teeth, and the name that she was called by her friends, and that we shall call her today, was Lily – the overseers had a different name for her, or more precisely an alphanumeric code, the specifics of which are of little importance and have been lost to us.

The Archbishop of Banor at the time had been raised to her position through promising a tremendous plan to defeat Calabia. Seven times Banor had tried to conquer Calabia, seven times the bloodlords’ military superiority and judicious political alliances had rebuffed the holy wars. Eight is not an auspicious number to the Numielites of Banor, but the Archbishop made grand promises, much grander than the portents allowed for. Her plan was thus: she prayed to Numiel to send angels to free all the food from the stockpens, so that the food might rise in revolt and Banor might sweep in as conquering heroes.

So it was that, as Lily was getting ready for sleep in the stockpen, the celestial angel Arossiel came to her, a frightful whirlwind of wings and eyes, intoning in a terrible and awful voice, “FEAR NOT”.

Utterly disregarding Arossiel’s perfectly clear instruction, Lily gave a terrified squeak and dropped her hairbrush.

The angel did his best to tone down his terrifying affect somewhat, apologizing and begging Lily’s forgiveness. He was between Lily and the door, and there were no windows in the stockpens that one might dive out of, so she could not flee; she could only cower in terror.

Arossiel sensed that his holy mission to free the food and raise them up in revolt was already going poorly, barely having started at all. He shrunk down further, modulated his voice and his apologies, trying to calm Lily.

Eventually, Lily grew less terrified and more curious, just while Arossiel grew more distraught and panicked about how far behind he was already running on his mission. The armies of Banor were thundering towards Calabia, and he hadn’t even freed a single food.

In a few hours, Lily calmed Arossiel with soothing words and gentle touch; in that same time, the angel fell in love with the human, and grew distracted from his mission. If one food needed this much attention before she might act, how much time would myriads of them take? Arossiel decided it could not be done, and stayed with Lily instead. It took some days before Lily returned Arossiel’s feelings, but in time she did.

Battle was soon joined in the fields of Calabia, and the Archbishop’s armies soon lay derelict and ruined. The fate of the eighth Banor invasion of Calabia was decided before it began.

Arossiel the angel fled Calabia with Lily, fled from his duties and from Numiel’s service, fell from grace and lost his wings, and the two wandered the world for at least some decades before falling from the pages of history.

3.5e Homebrew Spells

 ==Cofniben's Darkwave==

Evocation [Darkness, Evil]

Level: Blackguard 3, Dread Necromancer 5, Hexblade 3, Sor/Wiz 5, Ur-Priest 5

Components: V, S

Casting Time: 1 Standard Action

Range: Close (25 ft. + 5ft./2 levels)

Target: 30 ft. cone

Duration: Instantaneous

Saving Throw: Reflex Half and Fortitude Partial; see text

Spell Resistance: Yes

The caster launches a wave of cold darkness from his left hand. The wave deals 1d8 points of damage per two caster levels (maximum 10d8). Half the damage is cold, and the other half has no specific type. A successful Reflex save halves this damage.

When struck, targets must also succeed at a fortitude save or be stunned for 1 round, overwhelmed by the evil charge of the darkwave. (If a character takes no damage from the spell, such as if they make the Reflex save and have Evasion, then they are not stunned and need not make the Fortitude save.)

==Desalinate==

Transmutation

Level: Brd 0, Pal 1, Rgr 1, Sor/Wiz 0

Components: V, S

Casting Time: 1 standard action

Range: 10 ft

Target: 1 cu. ft./ level of salt water

Duration: Instantaneous

Saving Throw: None

Spell resistance: No

Aside from that collected in the form of rain water, fresh water did not, for a long time, exist. Thus, it became necessary to come up with a simple spell which can be cast by nearly anyone to create fresh water from salt water. To that end, some of the most talented wizards and other spellcasters in the world simplified purify food or drink so that any caster (aside from those who can already cast the original spell) can use it with a minimum of learning or talent.

Desalinate works as purify food or drink, but it serves only to remove the salt and impurities from seawater. It has no effect on any object other than water, and it has no effect on any object that is already affected by any spell or magical effect.

==Genocide of the Dead==

Evocation [Good]

Level: Sanctified 7

Components: V, S, Sacrifice

Casting Time: 1 Standard Action

Range: Touch and 1 mile (see text)

Target: Undead creature touched and its spawn

Duration: Instantaneous

Saving Throw: Will negates

Spell Resistance: Yes

You invoke ancient and terrible powers hostile to the undead to call down destruction upon your target's entire twisted, misbegotten lineage.

The target must succeed at a Will save or immediately be destroyed.

If the target is destroyed, all spawn within one mile created by the target with a Create Spawn ability must also succeed at Will saves or immediately be destroyed.

For each spawn destroyed, all spawn within one mile created by that spawn must succeed at Will saves or immediately be destroyed, and so on until all descendants of the original target have been destroyed, succeeded at Will saves, or had an ancestor succeed at their Will save.

Sacrifice: 1d6 nonlethal damage per undead creature destroyed by the spell

==Megiddo's Smashing Pumpkin==

Necromancy

Level: Blackguard 4, Druid 6, Duskblade 5, Hexblade 4, Sorcerer/Wizard 5

Components: M, S, V

Casting Time: 1 standard action

Range: Close

Target: One creature

Duration: Instantaneous

Saving Throw: Fortitude half

Spell Resistance: Yes

A moldy, rotten pumpkin flies from your hands and beats your opponent about the head and shoulders before crumbling into nothing.

Make a ranged touch attack. If it hits, the target is mysteriously reduced to half of its current hit points (rounded down). A successful fortitude saving throw leaves the target instead with 3/4 of his previous hit point total (rounded down).

Material Component: A single pumpkin seed.

==Youth Drain, Least==

Necromancy [Evil]

Level: Blighter 1, Clr 1, Dread Necromancer 1, Sor/Wiz 1

As youth drain, except the target ages only 1 year.

Material Component: Any manmade object greater than 1 year old.

==Youth Drain, Lesser==

Necromancy [Evil]

Level: Blackguard 1, Blighter 2, Clr 2, Dread Necromancer 2, Hexblade 1, Mortal Hunter 1, Sor/Wiz 2

As youth drain, except the target ages only 1d4 years.

Material Component: Any manmade object greater than 5 years old.

==Youth Drain==

Necromancy [Evil]

Level: Blackguard 2, Blighter 3, Clr 3, Dread Necromancer 3, Hexblade 2, Mortal Hunter 2, Sor/Wiz 3

Components: V, S, M

Casting Time: 1 standard action

Range: Short (25 ft. + 5 ft./2 levels)

Target: One living creature

Duration: Instantaneous

Saving Throw: Fortitude negates

Spell Resistance: Yes

You point at your target and years evaporate from their lifespan. They age 1d6 years per 4 caster levels (minimum 1 die, maximum 3 dice). This is never beneficial to the target.

In addition, you gain 1 temporary hit point for each year the target loses. These temporary hit points last for 1 hour.

Material Component: Any manmade object greater than 10 years old.

==Youth Drain, Greater==

Necromancy [Evil]

Level: Blackguard 3, Blighter 5, Clr 5, Dread Necromancer 5, Hexblade 3, Mortal Hunter 3, Sor/Wiz 5

As youth drain, except the target ages 1d10 years per 3 caster levels (minimum 1 die, maximum 6 dice).

Material Component: Any manmade object greater than 25 years old.

==Youth Drain, Dark==

Necromancy [Evil]

Level: Blackguard 4, Blighter 7, Clr 7, Dread Necromancer 7, Hexblade 4, Mortal Hunter 4, Sor/Wiz 7

As youth drain, except the target ages 1d12 years per 2 caster levels (minimum 1 die, maximum 12 dice).

Material Component: Any manmade object greater than 75 years old.

==Youth Drain, True==

Necromancy [Evil]

Level: Blighter 9, Clr 9, Dread Necromancer 9, Sor/Wiz 9

As youth drain, except the target ages 1d20 years per caster level (minimum 1 die, maximum 24 dice).

Material Component: Any manmade object greater than 250 years old.

Representation!

So Paizo famously has a policy that you can safely assume any given Pathfinder NPC is bisexual, unless the text specifically says otherwise. Which is good for a couple of reasons. (I have used this for mechanical advantage -- unnatural lust has a clause that the target gets a +4 bonus if they wouldn't normally be attracted to the subtarget, and I successfully argued that it should work same-gender-wise because the target should by Paizo decree not get this bonus just because the target and the subtarget were same gender. That spell, of course, has its own issues otherwise, and probably wouldn't be allowed at my table today, on the basis of my "no depictions of sexual assault" rule nowadays.)

They're mostly about representation, but my policy has something of a different aim. The policy in my setting is the very similar "90% of NPCs are bi". This isn't about representation, it's about making sure all players have maximum romance options if they want it. Which, representation is good, but the other thing is more important to me.

I have for a very long time publicly been of the opinion that I don't care about representation for social justice reasons, I like it because I'm bored to tears of straight white male stories. This is similar: I don't care about representation for social justice reasons, I just want PCs to be able to do whatever they want and not be forestalled by trivial niceties like NPCs aren't attracted to their gender.

If representation were actively at war with something I cared about, would I still do representation, or would I do the thing I care about? Good question! Luckily nothing good is at war with representation.

I'm exploring this policy now, because since instituting it, I have grown more aware of some dynamics of gender and sexual attraction. Specifically, there are a fair number of genders left out of attraction to by bisexuality, and sexuality isn't everything there is about attraction (and sexuality ought be much less important in a TTRPG than romance). So, let us revise! "90% of NPCs are pansexual, panromantic, or both." I could go with just 90% of NPCs are panromantic and leave sex out entirely, which would be fair, but sexuality does come up occasionally.

Ohhey, but wait: representation is at war with something I care about! Aroace people exist. Ok. They're in that 10% with the straights and the gays and whatnot, and otherwise I don't care.

How The Dragon Stole Driftmas

 Last year, I had an idea for a holiday-themed one-shot that I would run in late December. I didn't wind up getting it off the ground before getting hit by a car on Christmas. But then I still had the idea from last year this year; it had not gone away! So I set up a one-shot.

The Night Before Driftmas

It’s the night before Driftmas and in the Great Hall All the students are dancing at the Driftmas Eve Ball. The hall is decorated with garlands and trees, Through all the dancers blows a pepperminty breeze. Though it’s winter, for one day goldfinches wear yellows, While students waltz and twirl with merry schoolfellows. The pine trees are festooned with platinum and gold orbs, Dancing through them: the sons and daughters of lords. Peacocks show off tails and Numiel-given eyes, And someone’s rustled up a flock of gold butterflies. A rich human guy drunkly ‘splains, “Actually,” To some girls who don’t much like his loquacity, “Morozz’s cultists had Driftmas as their holy day Before Numiel took it over as the world’s birthday.” Everyone shows off their gymnastics and dance moves, For the coronation in five days calls for the youths To wage ritual dance-off in hope to bless Unity For the world to be brought into one great community. But tonight, the Academy celebrates winter, And the band plays carols with a most festive timbre. But this is a story of adventure and strife, And dangerous potential of loss of life, There will be dragons and villains and some excitement, A festive and joyful and maybe violent event.

Some 550-600 years ago, the world was completely flooded, and all land-dwelling nations survived in various ways, or perished. From 50 years ago til now, the flood was reversed -- scholars reckon this as the first year the world has seen a complete return to its pre-Inundation ocean levels. A member of the adventuring party that completed the end of the Inundation, Aeyssa the Nymph, parlayed her prestige and diplomatic skill into more or less uniting all nations into a metanation called Unity. The Academy in the Capital draws students from worldwide, the nation's various lords and luminaries sending their children to be educated at this boarding school.

It is the 24th of Ices of the 50th year of the Subsidence, Inter Desidentem -- tomorrow is the holiday of Driftmas. The students are dancing at the Driftmas Eve Ball in the Academy's Great Hall. Fir trees decorated with platinum and gold orbs, a pepperminty smell, peacocks wandering around, goldfinches perch in unseasonable summer yellow, the Trans-Kryian Orchestra (named after the southern continent of Kryia) plays festive-rock music from the stage.

Our (level 4) PCs: Federiga Moonblight, tiefling wizard; Throm, half-orc barbarian; Welby Dovesky, halfling rogue/artificer; his twin sister Velma Dovesky, halfling bard/rogue. Velma gets a conga line going.

Ebby Navsau, the son of a rich Shell merchant family, tries to fish girls out of the conga line to splain to them that Driftmas was originally a celebration holy to the ice god Morozz, before Usla, Archbishop of Banor, claimed it for Numiel as the birthday of the world ("now most of the Archbishops of Banor were human, because it was a human nation, but several of them were actually celestials, so it's not that weird that Usla was an elf"). Welby slips a periodically quacking stone in his pocket, and its quacks eventually driving Ebby from the hall.

Everyone is showing off their acrobatic dance moves, because in one week there is to be a coronation on the inaugural Day of Unity as Aeyssa takes her crown as Unity of the new metanation of Unity and usher in the Epocha Unitatis, and as part of the coronation there is to be a ritual ceremonial dance-off.

Gradually, the party becomes aware that something is off about the Trans-Kryian Orchestra. Something is unplaceably weird about their playing; they're playing, and have been for several minutes, something unrecognizable, not like any modern Driftmas music you're familiar with; they seem like they're playing in a trance; one of them is not in a trance, and is legit playing an old-fashioned Ilyan 7-string guitar; literally everyone in the hall who isn't playing an instrument is dancing (many of them in the conga line), or at least tapping their feet and swaying. Federiga deduces that three spells are going on: the lead performer has the rest of the Trans-Kyrian Orchestra entranced; the band has everybody in the hall ensorcelled with some sort of irresistible dance; the lead performer is doing something probably nefarious to everyone dancing.

Welby and Velma try to distract from the band with a fiddle-off, but the ritual completes with a flash of bluish-white! Everyone starts stumbling over their own feet and no longer dancing successfully -- the band leader's ritual stole everybody's dance mojo! The band leader throws off her white cloak, holds up her guitar, and cackles maniacally!

Velma uses vicious mockery on the band leader, who transforms into a Huge white dragon! Battle ensues, during which the dragon ice-bricks everybody's feet to the floor but is careful not to hurt anybody, and a handful of waiters dispensing hors d'ouvres reveal themselves to be cultists working for her. The party (mostly Throm) does great harm to her, but eventually she makes a hole in the roof and escapes, flying south.

The cultists have holy symbols of Morozz, and tattoos indicating grayseal or blackpenguin moiety. They do not speak Common, but local NPC half-dragon Aurum helpfully translates because two of them speak Draconic (Aurum is a bard who specializes in dance, and is heartbroken to have lost their mojo).

It is very important to the students for everybody's dance mojo to be returned, because of the ritual dance-off in a week. The dragon (Xarzith of the Aussir'orn bloodline, white Dragon who inherited the ability to Change Shape from one silver dragon grandparent) and her allies were careful not to kill anybody, because any mojo in the instrument belonging to a dead person loses its power. The cultists were members of old Ilya, the Morozz-worshipping civilization that dwelt on Kryia before the Inundation. Ilya survived the Inundation by freezing the whole civilization beneath miles of ice. Xarzith had unfrozen these cultists to help her with her plot to unfreeze the whole civilization, which depended on the stolen dance mojo. There is a ritual which must be completed before the end of Driftmas day which will consume the mojo and unfreeze Ilya.


How The Academy Got Its Mojo Back

An elven woman dressed in red and furs, driving a sleigh pulled by 8 perytons, locates the party on the roof. It transpires that she is Saint Usla, possessed of tremendous power for one night a year, luckily this night. With her blessing, the hors d'ouvres at the ball count retroactively as a heroes' feast, and she has gifts for the party from her sack: Boots of the Winterlands for everyone, a Staff of Fire for Federiga, a Flametongue Greatsword for Throm, a Nolzur's Marvelous Pigments for Welby, and a Necklace of Fireballs and a Claw of the Wyrm Rune for Velma. (If there had been an archer, 9 Arrows of Chromatic Dragon Slaying would have been given; if there had been a fighter or paladin, a White Dragon Scale Mail.) Then she conveys the party in her sleigh, with unnerving alacrity, to the south pole!

(If time had been generous, we may have seen a young remorhaz want to eat the party but be very willing to run away if it met resistance or pain, and/or a winter wolf and several worgs want to eat the party but the worgs flee if the winter wolf dies or flees.)

The ritual is taking place in an ancient crystal ice palace at the magnetic south pole. Xarzith is busy casting a 24-hour ritual at a massive ice altar with the 7-string guitar on it. To keep the ritual going, the altar and guitar must be cold breath'd every time her cold breath recharges. Three undead ice priest mummies are there.

Xarzith has access to white dragon lair actions here, but the party is now immune to her fear effect, and to that of the mummies, because of the heroes' feast. Because of reasons, she, like the mummies, is vulnerable to fire. So the party, using Usla's gifts, makes quick work of the dragon and the mummies, despite a massive CR imbalance. They smash the guitar, free the mojo, and are conveyed back to the Academy by Usla and her sleigh.

(This was the standard D&D way of solving the problem. The standard holiday movie way would have been to warm the heart of the dragon with kindness and holiday spirit, which would have allowed her to melt Ilya's entombment without using up the stolen mojo (and thereby being free to release it).)