Saturday, November 8, 2025

Truly Lovecraftian Beholders

(Alternate title: "Heyeward Peepers Lensscleraft's Cat")

Disclaimer: I do not unreservedly endorse using any of this in actual play. It's but a thought experiment, with certain downsides to it -- see the last section.

I have seen Beholders described as: Lovecraftian abominations with horrifyingly gibbous eldritch cyclopean* physical features as found in Lovecraft's oeuvre, but also with the horrifyingly racist mental features found in actual human HP Lovecraft.

*Fun fact: 'cyclopean', in English (probably, but not entirely necessarily, as Lovecraft uses it), only means 'large', specifically pertaining to large stone blocks. Similarly, 'cyclops' in the Greek doesn't even mean 'one-eye', it means 'wheel-eye' or 'round-eye'. The sort of multiple-entendre meaning here, because it is a much-favored Lovecraftian word and calls to mind creatures with one large eyeball, is but a fortuitous coincidence.


What would that look like if we took it very seriously? Why might we do it like that?

Beholders are traditionally, like, hate everyone who isn't themself. They just about tolerate other beholders who look and act exactly like themself; the set of {lesser organisms} starts at beholders who look even slightly different and goes on down to, like, earthworms.

A good thing about this is that racism is clearly villainous, and making horrific aberrations who are bad guys racist is clearly of value to reinforce that.

One downside to this is that it lends credence to the kind of person who says "I'm not racist, I hate everyone equally", which is dumb and bad in various ways and for various reasons.

Another is that beholders are cool, or at least look cool, so they run into the same problem as, say, Nazis in stylish uniforms.

An upside to leaning into Lovecraft's goofily over-the-top racism specifically is that it makes beholders less cool. Racism can be better tolerated by the audience when the racists are otherwise cool, but making it over-the-top gonzo stupid makes it harder to tolerate. In general, it is didactically powerful when villainy is not just evil, but also stupid and goofy.


Lovecraft's Cat and the Eigenslur

HP Lovecraft was so stupidly goofily racist that he named his cat the N-slur, with the hard R. Should, perhaps, beholders be so stupidly goofily racist that they keep pets named with the fantasy equivalent of the N-slur? Which raises the question: what's the fantasy equivalent of the N-slur?

Intuitively, to many of us, the N-slur (with the hard R, as used by non-Black people) is equivalent in power and malice to the R-slur for the mentally handicapped, the F-slur for gay persons, probably the C-slur for women and the K-slur for Jewish persons, etc.

Eigenvalue is a thing that I don't 100% understand, but, basically, the eigenvalue of a thing is its essence, that which remains unchanged when the thing is otherwise transformed. (I figured 'eigen' was some guy's name, but no, it's just a German word for 'own'.)

The eigenslur, I am told, is what we call what you have left when you subtract Blackness from the N-slur, mental handicap from the R-slur, homosexuality from the F-slur, etc. -- reflecting the fundamental similarity between these slurs. The eigenslur is the core essence of the most maliciously hateful fightin' words.

So, to do this properly, we may need to come up with words that take the eigenslur and add human-ness, orc-ness, elf-ness, etc.

My first instinct for orcs is vird, from 'viridis', meaning 'green'. But probably your higher-intensity slurs should come from Germanic, not Latin, because Germanic-origin words are typically seen as stronger and more emphatic in English, but 'vird' might strip out enough of the obvious Latin-ness as to be strong. Or we could just go straight for the German 'grĂ¼n' -- my instinct then is grunk, but that might be a little too cutesy to be obviously a partaking of the eigenslur.

Elves: unfortunately, all the words for 'elf' are cognate, even between Romance and Germanic languages. 'Baumficker' would be 'tree-effer'; 'Pflanzenficker' would be 'plant-effer'. Drop some syllables, call it flacker or maybe placker (plakker?).

Perhaps every beholder has a pet cat or similar lifeform. Or perhaps some beholders have, like, pet sapient creatures? But whom they name with various instantiations of the eigenslur? But never actual applicable slurs -- Lovecraft of course didn't name his cat a slur for cat, he named his cat a slur for a disfavored race of human. So it'd be, like, a pet elf named Grunk or a pet orc named Plakker, never an elf named Plakker nor an orc named Grunk.

We could of course do a beholder with a pet tiefling, orc, or drow, or a pet something else named with the eigenslur-instantiation for one of those, or (best of all) a pet one of those named with the slur for another of those. And then compare and contrast the stupid goofy racism of the beholder with the more everyday racism facing those species from regular humanfolk!


Why Maybe Not In Actual Play

I have encountered the claim that, just as sexual assault has no place in a D&D game, neither does racism or slavery. Melanistically-well-endowed persons deal with enough racism in their day-to-day lives, making the D&D villains racist too just risks triggering trauma. I can see why this position might be compelling -- mostly by analogy to how compelled I am by the argument that sexual assault is verboten.

That said, I don't actually fully 100% buy it. As long as racism (and slavery) is not good or well-tolerated in the D&D world, as long as it is clearly villainous and evil, I think it's fine -- especially if you only have white people at your table; this is something to ask any people of other races at your table during Session Zero. I think a white player experiencing annoying racism because they're playing a non-human (or even because they're playing human, but the campaign brings their character amongst other species) can be didactically powerful -- one of my favorite D&D experiences as a player was my Drow Paladin of Bahamut, in the Forgotten Realms, who kept getting racism'd at by everybody she encountered, which got old and tedious real fast and thereby enlightened me more than all the critical race books and articles in the world.

Having a beholder with a 'pet' sapient creature is of course slavery, and (even if we're okay with slavery in the game) do we want to be drawing analogy between pets and slavery? Cats domesticated themselves; dogs and humans co-domesticated each other, but for any other kind of domesticated pet/livestock/plant, the slavery comparison is more apt than we might be comfortable with. Of course, we don't want to say that slavery is fine because it compares to domestication/taming which is fine; the more accurate thing is that domestication/taming is unfine because it compares to slavery which is unfine, but drawing the comparison will still be seen by many to be unfairly diminishing the terribleness of slavery, unfairly embiggening the terribleness of domestication/taming, or both. Maybe we don't want to get into that discursive morass, even if the entity doing the enslavement/taming is explicitly an evil racist aberration.

Another concern, possibly one which only I might have, is that deploying the eigenslur might conceivably corrode the soul, even fictionally partaking of fictional instantiations of the eigenslur. I haven't even fully formed or explored this notion in my own head, let alone enough to convince anybody else that it's anything like a real concern, but it very slightly gives me pause.

A pretty good reason not to, on the other hand, is because beholders look cool, and we don't want racism to look cool by association, and moreover I like using beholder iconography in my personal life (I've got a beholder keychain, my laptop is festooned with googly eyes and is named Beholder, and so on), and I don't necessarily want it to become widely recognized that beholders are synonymous with stupid goofy racism, lest I find myself tied to stupid goofy racism.**

**I'm not about to get a beholder tattoo, of course. Especially if I were ever planning on running for public office. (Topical! Or should I say, totenkopfical?)

Tuesday, February 4, 2025

Take a Downside to Solve the Accomplishing Nothing Problem

The Accomplishing Nothing Problem:

  • If you are in combat and get hit by an effect that temporarily takes you out of the fight and you fail your save, you are about to spend an amount of real-world time potentially measured in hours doing nothing. That's a recipe for player disengagement at best.
  • If you cast a high-level spell and your target makes their save, not only have you wasted your Action, you have blown one of your main limited daily resource, and accomplished nothing to show for it.
The Swedish TTRPG Dragonbane has a solution where, if you fail a roll, you can take a bane to one of your abilities to reroll.

I've been rolling around in the back of my mind, and trying to remember, the possibility of offering a choice of minor consequence to turn an almost-success into a success.

Then, recently, I had a burst of inspiration in the shower, and hacked together some actual numbers and stuff. The main downside is it may be too complicated, though I laid it out in a way that flows fairly well, at least for my mind.

To wit:

Sunday, January 26, 2025

Age Categories in 5.5e

So, 5e and 5.5e doesn't have Age Categories. I'm on the record as enjoying aging effects, but admittedly, it does get a bit fiddly, doesn't it. Figuring out what age category an elf is as compared to a human of the same age, or whatever? Fiddly.


The Modifiers

I do rather like 3.5e's numbers:
  • At middle age, a character gains -1 to Str, Dex, and Con; +1 to Int, Wis, and Cha
  • At old age, a character gains an additional -2 to Str, Dex, and Con; +1 to Int, Wis, and Cha
  • At venerable age, a character gains an additional -3 to Str, Dex, and Con; +1 to Int, Wis, and Cha
So being Middle-Aged is strictly a sidegrade; Old is a downgrade (with a silver lining); Venerable is an even worse downgrade (with a silver lining). Extreme min/maxers might choose to be Old or Venerable; Middle Age is an eminently reasonable choice for a moderate min/maxer.


What Age Category Am I?

We can probably mostly basically just use 3.5e's numbers for what age category a character of a given species is is at any given age.

(I believe 5.x canon is that elves age like humans until adulthood, and then just stay there; the relevant 3.5e charts indicate that they used to definitively hit Adulthood at 110 years; we could split the difference and let them Young Adult at a more human-like age)


Aging Effects

I used to use specific year amounts for aging magic and effects, but I'm leaning towards, instead: you don't advance specific year numbers; if you fail a save, you straight-up advance an age category; elves just have advantage on the save.

Maybe mix it up with a touch of what 3.5e used to have you do for Negative Levels: at the end of the day, make a save vs it becoming permanent. ...no, I low-key hate that, because I hated that about NLs in 3.5e.

Ooooh, here's an idea: You know how if you have 6 levels of Exhaustion, you just straight-up die? What if, instead of death, if you have 6 levels of Exhaustion (perhaps: "and at least one of them is from a magical or supernatural effect"), you straight-up advance an age category? Or maybe you go unconscious at Exhaustion 6 either way, and if you fail a save you also advance an age category?

Wednesday, January 22, 2025

Maus Yi Yos!

"Maus yi yos!" was, of course, the traditional Driftmas greeting, in Ilya of old, before Archbishop Usla of Banor waged the War for Driftmas and commandeered the holiday for Numiel's glory, followed by the Inundation erasing all trace of Ilya from the world (...or did it? DUN DUN DUN).

Some Numielites have kept the words as a generic Driftmas greeting, though the common people have no idea what they might have once meant in the Ilyan language (like how a person might sing along to "Feliz Navidad" with at best the barest understanding that it's just Spanish for "happy Christmas", without any understanding that in Spanish they call the holiday "Navidad" which is cognate with "Nativity" (any -ty word tending to turn out to be -dad in Spanish -- eg, "gravity" is cognate with "gravedad", and also I have an idea what the next necromancer I wind up using calls himself), and "nativity" really just means "the process or circumstances of being born", though of course nobody anymore frequently refers to any nativities but Jesus's).

ANYHOW, "Maus Yi Yos" is of course just a generic placeholder name for a Driftmas session... or is it? DUN DUN DUN

On Driftmas Day, the 25th of Ices. The good ship Lollipop has arrived in port. Disembarking, five crew members (Roger, Patty "Doc", Helko "the Axe", Raine, and Rylen) are met by a courier.


"I've been looking for you. Got something I'm supposed to deliver - your hands only." Mumbling, "Let's see here... A letter... not sure who from. She wouldn't say. Just that she was a friend of yours. Looks like that's it. Got to go."

The letter turned out to be a magic scroll. They read the scroll, and it turned out to be a scroll of plane shift, which brought them to what turned out to be the Driftmas Demiplane, all snow and pleasant chill.

The party ended up outside  a cave. The cave is surrounded by inactive (variously permanently disabled, bugged out, and/or entirely dispelled) clay golems.

They saw a peryton flying high above, scared it off, and set off for the source of puffs of smoke on the horizon.

They found Driftmastown, where the Driftmas Fey (drunkenly distracted, as it is their day of celebration, all their work for the year has concluded and they have not yet begun next year's work of crafting toys) greet them with curiosity -- not often they have visitors. Donner, one of Saint Usla's sleigh-pulling perytons, was also there. A chat occurred.

The cave isn't anything any of Saint Usla's minions are allowed to talk about. It may, information wheedled from the Driftmas Fey, have to do with the folks that owned Driftmas before Usla conquered it away from the Ilyans.

Returning to the cave!


It turned out to be the dwelling of Dujha the yeti (?), one of the Argles Get, where she has dwelt since the War for Driftmas -- her 5 siblings, uncle, and grandmother (the previous Embodiments of Driftmas) were all slain by Usla in the War; Dujha managed to escape unnoticed.

As it transpires, Dujha has spent the last many centuries inventing, tinkering, and divining. She is not really a proper spellcaster, is why it took so long.

She got her hands on one or more Golem Manuals and cobbled together invention of a new spell (which she calls disable construct), of which she has one scroll.

She did many divinations, which eventually narrowed down the who, where, and when of recruitment to help with her task. (The specific time of year was always obvious: Saint Usla uses all her store of power on Driftmas Eve, leaving her depleted; the Driftmas Fey have the last 6 days of the year off, as vacation, before working the rest of the year -- an obvious time to do something Usla might not like. But which year, specifically, was harder to pin down.)


Dujha was cagey, but eventually, she revealed that she wanted to retake Temple Zamet, a temple that had been taken by Archbishop Usla in the War for Driftmas, the most sacred Driftmas-related temple on the continent of Kryia, which Usla's Banorite army had seized, put a fortress around, and guarded with various golems and constructs.

She wants to use disable construct to temporarily disable a golem, hack it, and use its help to retake the temple.

She has knowledge of a secret back tunnel into the temple/fortress, which could take them nearly straight to the boss golem: a platinum golem. (The other four golems are gold.) So the party decided to go in that way, not in the front, try to seize the platinum golem and use it on the gold ones.

So Dujha plane shifted them back to the Material Plane, to a ravine on continent Kryia near temple Zamet, and they went up a tunnel to the temple. There was a broken and defiled altar discarded amongst rubble on the way, but the party was in a hurry because there was a gold golem (embossed with the name Rincona) coming, and didn't notice the altar until later.


Into the main temple chamber, where there was a platinum golem embossed with the name Phensipicho, and a gold golem embossed with Sorgiga! Raine cast the disable construct spell successfully on Phensipicho, and Dujha headed over to pop its carapace with a hammer and start hacking! The rest of the party attacks Sorgiga.


Raine notices that the scroll, unlike a normal scroll, has not faded away into illegibility after use.

With the help of Phensipicho, the party took down Sorgiga! Just as Rincona arrived!

But the scroll was successfully was used, and now Rincona was on the party's side, too!

The scroll, ultimately, worked 6 times before fading (6 being a number sacred to Morozz).

(Speaking of sacred numbers: there was 1 platinum golem, 4 gold golems, 9 sunlight-lazer-blasty turrets on the walls, and 16 animated objects that mostly just do upkeep -- any perfect square number is sacred to Numiel. The upkeep constructs weren't doing so hot, after a few hundred years plus 600 underwater. There were shovels, dusters, one was a salt-scatterer construct, diligently trying to scatter salt, its salt store long since depleted.)

Anyway, the party took away the Numielite altar and accoutrements, restored the Morozzite altar. They ended up selling the Numielite iconography to churches of Numiel back north. "Doc" was allowed to peruse Dujha's book collection in detail. Dujha took up new residence in Temple Zamet, to maintain the golems and other constructs, trying to keep it under Morozzite control this time.

Maus Yi Yos!